Living in Paranoia
by SodapopXPonyboylover
Summary: We all froze in shock. Nobody in my family has ever hit me before. Nobody. Warning: Child abuse, Alcohol Use, Attempted Suicide
1. The Shadowy Silhoutte

Living in paranoia

Chapter 1 – The Shadowy Silhouette

**(Angst/Family)**

_Summary ~ _

_We all froze in shock. Nobody in my family has ever hit me before. Nobody. __**Warning: Child Abuse, Alcohol use, Attempted Suicide. **_

_**There will be some timelines overlapping one another**_

_**Disclaimer ~ S.E. Hinton owns the Outsiders, not me. **_

**WARNING: There will be some OOC in this story. **

I sat alone. Shivering and cold.

Outside the sun was shining, beating down on Tulsa with its harsh, fierce rays. Outside I could hear people laughing, people playing. Those are the people who didn't have a care in the world - those are the people who will get yelled at for having a B, not beaten. Those are the people who don't have to hold a secret against their will, in fear of losing the only dignity they have left.

I jumped as I heard the door slam open, and I rushed across the floor, crawling in fast motion backwards as a shadowy silhouette appeared in the doorway, the light from the hallway making it look even more sinister.

The figure didn't say anything, it just walked forward. I felt myself shaking and this time it wasn't from the cold, tears rolled down my eyes. My fifteen-year old body was going into spasms from shaking so hard. I shut my eyes.

Please don't hurt me, please don't hurt me, don't hurt me anymore.

The floor creaked as the figure walked even faster towards me, ignoring my cries and protests. Faint light trickled through the window, casting its eerie gloom over the shadow. Instantly the face illuminated to show none other than the blue-eyed, black-haired Darry.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" My yell echoed off the walls and reverberated in the small room. I sat up in the bed, shaking and sweating. Sodapop sat next to me, looking concerned as he cupped my clammy face into his hands and pulled me over to him.

"You okay Ponyboy?" he asked, stroking my hair and tucking my head underneath his chin.

"N-n-nooo." I sobbed into his shirt. God how babyish was this? I'm sixteen and here I am crying in front of my older brother.

I felt Soda's chest heave as he sucked in a deep breath and let it out in a heavy sigh. I felt his arms clench tighter around me and his hand stroked my hair with more intensity.

"What was it about?" his voice was even, calm. You'd have to know him to actually hear the fear and anger in his voice.

"D-Darry." I admitted quietly through my tears.

I felt him nod from my spot under his head, his arms were now wrapped so tightly around me that I couldn't escape even if I wanted to. I hated the feeling of not being in control, I've been controlled for too long.

"Can you tell me about it?" I noticed that he avoided the _Do you want to talk about it? _He must've known I would say no.

"It was last year… you were about to leave. You had gone out with Steve for the day. It was the first time he'd started drinking, he…" I stared sobbing again. "He started hitting me over and over and I didn't know what to do…"

"It was last year?_" _Soda exclaimed, pulling me away from him so he could look me in the eyes. His hands were still clenched around my biceps. It hurt a little, but I didn't voice it. I learned to ignore pain after a while.

"Which means Darry was drinking right after I left…" Now Soda's voice was seething.

"Were about to leave." I corrected him silently. Soda considered me, then shook his head roughly as though shaking water from his head.

"I'm sorry Pone. I – he won't hurt you again. Promise."

I felt new tears spring to my eyes, but I blinked them away. There would be time to cry in the morning, for now I was getting tired again. And I could tell Soda was getting angry that he had decided to go out with Steve instead of staying home with me. He was remembering how I had begged him to stay with me, cause 'Darry looked pretty mad about something…he kept yelling about how monsters were coming to get me'. I hadn't known then what monsters Darry had been talking about. Soda had laughed at me and said I needed to grow up. He didn't mean it though, and I could tell he was really starting to regret saying that.

"Soda?" I murmured sleepily.

"Yeah baby?" his voice was gentle, but he was still mad at himself and Darry.

"Are we safe now?"

(pause)

"Yea hun, we're safe."

(pause)

"Soda?"

"Hmmm?"

"Are we goin to sleep now?"

Soda sighed and pulled me down onto the bed, hugging me close to his chest. "Yeah Pony, we're goin to bed now. Come on let's try and get back asleep."

I was already sleeping before he finished his sentence.

"_One…two…three…four…five. Ready or not, here I come." _

I let out a yelp as someone grabbed me roughly from behind and threw me to the floor, my head colliding painfully with the wood. Before I had time to comprehend what was going on a coarse hand was grabbing the color of my shirt, and a punch was blown to my face.

I groaned and peered out through half lidded eyes. Darry.

"You aren't too good at this game are ya Pone? Guess we'll have to work on it then. Whad'ya say?"

I groaned again and Darry let out a yell and kicked me in the chest.

I spit out a string of red, and glared at Darry. In my fourteen years I had known nothing but verbal abuse from my eldest brother, and now it was turning physical! I was getting sick of it. "Lay off Dar."

Big mistake. Very, _very _big mistake. The last thing I saw was a foot crash into my face before colors blurred my vision and everything went dark.

"What happened to your face?" Steve asked.

"I fell." Was my reply.

"I thought you fell yesterday?"

"Yeah well I fell again." I could tell he wasn't gonna believe me, "come on Steve. You know how clumsy I am."

He grinned, "Yeah you are pretty clumsy, I'll give ya that." He laughed and I didn't even try to glare at him. Steve whipped around so suddenly I could even comprehend what was going on until I felt a slap across my face. I blinked in shock, then looked at Steve, who had anger in his eyes.

I braced myself, waiting for the next impact.

It never came.

Steve's eyes were shocked as he breathed, "I knew it."

My heart was beating so fast I was surprised it didn't flutter out of my chest like a bird.

I didn't want to ask him what he knew, because I had already caught on to what he was talking about. He hadn't hit me out of anger, or any of the obvious reasons. He hit me because he was waiting to see my reaction. Apparently I gave him the one he wanted, and the one that I _didn't _want to give him.

"How long has this been going on?" Steve demanded, grabbing onto my arm. I cringed, "I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Yeah _bullshit, _its Darry isn't it?"

"I SAID, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!" I screamed, this time trying to kick at him. He easily dodged my flailing feet and tackled me to the ground. I let out a "oomph" as my back hit the sand.

"_Who is it Pony?" _

I grinned, finding the situation obnoxiously funny, "Well right now it's you."

Steve groaned, "Ponyboy, so help me god I will call your brother right now and tell him that you told me."

My eyes went wide and I said, "You…shut up Steve."

"You're Soda's kid brother. He's off at war, and now I don't want you hurt. Tell me _now." _His arms were pressing awfully hard against my chest.

"Please…Steve…you're hurting me!"

"Tell me!"

"GET OFF!"

The pressure intensified until I finally screamed, "YES IT'S DARRY!"

I gulped in all the air I could muster and tried to regulate my breathing again, glaring at Steve from the corner of my eye.

"How long?"

I didn't answer, I just glared. Steve sighed, "look kid I didn't want to do this the hard way, but you were giving me no choice and I'm sorry. Just let me in."

"I aint gonna tell you, now get out of my life Steven Randle and STAY AWAY FROM ME!" With that I punched him in the face and he fell to the ground, unconscious.

That was the last time me and Steve talked willingly.


	2. Concerned with a chance of hatred

**Disclaimer ~ I own nothing but my own messed up imagination. SE Hinton owns the Outsiders. **

**AN – wow thanks for all the reviews! **

**Also – some of you have been confused with the overlapping timelines, here's a little guide to help you along.**

**When Soda and Ponyboy are alone together and having 'bonding' moments, that is the present. The rest are all memories (one was Ponyboy's dream as seen in the first chapter) . In this chapter, we will see one memory that was before Soda left, and Darry and Ponyboy were close to each other. That's a moment that Ponyboy cherishes. **

**Well, on to the story! Hope this helped. **

…

Tears keep falling, but I feel no sadness. I lash out, but I feel no anger. I smile, but I don't feel happy.

I don't feel anything anymore.

Soda's watching me warily, making sure I don't do something stupid probably. He knows. He can see past my façade. He knows how broken I really am.

"I'm sorry." He keeps saying over and over again, but I know it's not his fault. He was drafted to war, Darry became an abusive alcoholic. I felt nothing but pity for him. Or…what little pity I could feel. As I said before it's getting really hard to feel anything now.

"It's okay Sodapop. I missed you," I added.

"I know…I missed you too."

"I thought you had stopped…stopped writing to me I mean. I thought you hated me. Darry said you did." I felt tears building up in my eyes, and my throat was choking up. I may have a hard time feeling things now but in the rare moments I _did _feel something it hit me hard.

Soda wrapped his arms around me and hugged me close, I sobbed into his shirt.

"I would never stop writing to you. I tried writing to you every week, but you never responded back…" now Soda was starting to sound upset. Oh no, I didn't want Soda upset. He can't be upset! It wasn't his fault. Not his fault, not his fault, not his fault . . . it was my fault. My fault, my fault, my fault. _Damn Darry! _I thought, He's _the one who drilled this into my mind. _

"It was Darry," I explained, "He was cutting off our letters. I don't know how though…I guess he had them mailed to him at work or something."

"Yeah, that's what I found weird about the whole thing. I asked him why you stopped writing to me and he just said you were 'busy'. It…it made me feel like I wasn't worth your time…" Soda trailed off, and I felt anger seethe inside me. It was bad enough that Darry was hurting me, but then he had to hurt Sodapop too! This was too much. Too much…

I must have been shaking, because Soda cautiously put a hand on my shoulder and told me to calm down. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths, trying to control my shaky body.

"I-I'm sorry." I said when I finally gained enough self-control to talk.

"What are you sorry for baby?"

"…I didn't want you to be hurt to…"

"I'm not hurt." Soda said, confused. Then I pointed to my heart and he got my meaning.

"It's okay Pone, I know it wasn't your fault…I know that now…"

I nodded and snuggled up against Soda, searching for his comfort. Soda wrapped his arms tightly around me, and I think we fell asleep like that because the next morning when I woke up we were still in the same position.

…

"You little shit! You snotty nosed piece of shit! _Fuck!" _Darry grabbed at his nose, which was now sporting blood. I stared at my own bloody hand in astonishment, had I really just hit Darry? Or was this all something my sick imagination was thinking up.

I didn't have time to ponder on it though, because the next thing I saw was Darry's fist fly into my face and then I was down. Before I could get up he was on top of me, beating and hitting me. I wasn't going to go down without a fight though - Darry might have currently been going ape-shit on me, but he wasn't going to any more, not without my consent. I grabbed a chunk of his hair and pulled it back, distracting him. Then I kneed him in the groin and rolled out from under him.

I grabbed the first thing I saw – a knife.

Darry took one look at me - his hands still supporting his manhood - and laughed from his half-crouched position. I was scared, and he knew it, but I was still intent on not letting it show. I felt as though I had to act, for him. Why should I do anything for him? _Because he's still my brother and I love him,_ I thought. It saddened me, seeing him red in the face and hating my guts, when I still loved him. I wonder when he stopped loving me. Maybe he never even has? Maybe he only loved Sodapop, and that's why he was acting like this to me now that Soda was gone.

"You wouldn't." he laughed again, and I shakily let the knife fall to the floor. A loud clatter was heard as it crashed to the ground, and I winced. Darry didn't seem to notice though, because he simply walked right past me, mumbling "pick that up". I closed my eyes and let out a long, smooth sigh. I had gotten away, but only this time.

…

I jumped as I felt a hand come down on my shoulder, thinking it was a Soc, but it was only Darry.

"Hey Pony." He said, coming to sit down beside me.

"Hey Dar."

There was a moment of silence, then Darry asked, "What are you doing?"

"I'm just thinking…"

"about what?"

"well…Soda's been acting strange lately…"

"Has he?" Darry frowned, concerned. "Do you think something's wrong?"

"Well, I don't want to jump to conclusions but Soda always tells us when something's bothering him, unless it's real important. Soda always tells us, and now he's not…it's like he's avoiding us, ya dig?" I snuggled up to Darry, feeling his arm wrap around me comfortingly.

Darry sat, silent for a moment, then he said, "I'll ask him later tonight."

That's when it all started.

…

I had a nightmare. It was right after the first time he had beaten me. That night Soda slept next to me, and I had searched for his comfort. Soda had no clue to what had happened, and hadn't seen the bruises that were forming on my ribs.

I think I called out Soda's name, because he turned over, took one look at me, and concern immediately flared in his eyes.

"What's wrong? Tell me what happened."

I wanted to tell him, I really wanted to. I could feel the tears in my eyes and I think that was the reason Soda was freaking out so much. I never really liked to cry in front of anyone – even my brothers.

"Come on baby, tell me what's wrong." Soda begged, putting a hand on my neck. I just stared at him, trying to think up a lie.

I guess Soda noticed this, cause he said, "and I aint jokin' when I'm askin you whats wrong. You tell me Pone and you tell me the truth."

"I had a nightmare." It was the truth, I did have a nightmare, but it wasn't the whole truth. In fact it was a very small part of the truth.

Soda's concern melted into pity.

"Oh, Pone…" he reached over and pulled me into a hug. I sobbed into his shirt.

"Do you remember what it was about?" I froze, I couldn't answer that question.

"No." I mumbled a little too quick, Soda seemed convinced though, cause he didn't question me anymore.

I didn't like lying to Soda, in fact, I couldn't stand it.

"Sodapop?"

"Hmm yeah?" Soda was starting to drift off again.

"Why are you leaving me?"

Soda instantly woke up. "Don't say that Pone, I aint leavin you. I'll be back."

"But what if you don't come back!" I was crying, and Soda was looking worried and shocked.

"I will baby, I promise. Nothing bad's gonna happen to me."

I sniffled, "Promise? Promise you won't die."

Soda chuckled softly, "I can't promise I won't die Pone, but I can promise I'll do my best not to."

I shook and hugged him around his middle. He stroked my head comfortingly, and kissed my head.

"Let's try to get some sleep, huh Pone?"

I nodded, and snuggled up closer to him. But the sleep wouldn't come.

…

"It's time to go to school." Darry grunted, pushing past me. I glared at him, but he didn't seem to notice, for which I was glad.

"I don't want to go to school." I flinched as he turned around to stare at me, _If looks could kill, I'd bet a million Darry'd be out back digging a hole to put me in. _

"You. Are. Going. To school." He hissed out, and I nodded. I didn't want to get him pissed off. He hadn't beaten me all week, and I didn't want that to change.

"Get out, Steve's waiting." He didn't need to give me the look he did then – I already knew not to tell anyone about what Darry was doing to me. But it wasn't my fault Steve found out on his own!

This was stupid. Darry obviously knew something was up – he knew me and Steve never got along but us not talking to each other was starting to arouse suspicions. I hoped he didn't find out, he would be worried that he would get in trouble with the police. I wonder why he didn't just put me in a boy's home already. Was he scared I would tell on him or something?

"Hey Steve." Darry automatically stopped glaring at me as Steve Randal walked in the door. He seemed a little surprised, Steve usually waited outside. Steve didn't say anything back to him, just looked at me.

"You ready?" he asked.

"Ummm…" this was the first time Steve's talked to me in, well, in a long time. "Uh, yeah. I. guess." I glanced at Darry, he gave me a fake smile – which Steve seemed to notice – and literally pushed me out the door. I hit the cold, dewy grass outside and heard footsteps behind me. Someone grabbed my arm and I cringed, thinking it was Darry. I blinked in surprise as Steve pulled me up, checking me over.

"Uh…" I said again.

"Oh no Pone, I'm so sorry!" Darry shoved Steve out of the way and turned to me, mock worry in his eyes. "You okay?"

"I'm fine Darry." I said, my voice a little too tight. Darry glared at me then turned to Steve, putting his 'worried' face on. "Make sure he gets to school alright." He was a good actor, he actually did sound concerned.

"Of course." Steve said, but his gaze held slight hatred. It was then that I noticed a bruise forming on Steve's cheek. His dad must have hit him again – that would explain why he was acting like this to me. Darry didn't seem to notice this and ushered us into Steve's truck.

"Hurry up or you're going to be late." I rolled my eyes, like he cared.

Steve's jaw clenched and - without another word to Darry - hopped into the car beside me, slamming the door shut. I sighed, well this was going to be a fun ride.

…

**Personally I think the first chapter was better – what do you think? Questions, comments? Review!**

**Thanks again to all who reviewed!**


	3. You're so immature!

**Disclaimer ~ I do not own The Outsiders, even though I want to. My messed up brain came up with this idea – SE Hinton owns The Outsiders. **

**AN – some people are slightly confused about the plot-line of the story. I'm just saying that these first few chapters aren't IN the plot – but they are a very important factor to it. These are memories of Ponyboy with the good and bad times with Darry, Soda, his parents, and the gang. One's where it's just Sodapop and Ponyboy are present. Hope that helped!**

**Thanks for the reviews! Enjoy**

…

"Now you two be good, I mean it, if you two aren't good I'm gonna tell mom and dad on you." Darry looked at us, his two youngest brothers. I noticed he seemed to give me a more stern look, and then he offered Soda a _very _slight smile. I had the feeling I wasn't his favorite brother. Darn.

"Darrr!" Soda moaned, "we won't get into trouble, will we Pone?"

"Naw. Soda pwomised he would watch baseball wif me, right Sode?"

Sodapop rolled his eyes, "Whatever, as long as Steve comes over I'm fine."

My eyes widened and a slight frown covered my small face, "I saw that it wos you and Stevie who ate up _all _the chocowat cake!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did _not!" _

"Did t-"

I was cut off by Darry, who was staring at me and Soda wide-eyed. "You guys are so immature!"

Me and Soda just stared at him for a while, before glancing at each other and cracking up. Our faces went red from laughing so hard and long. Darry's eyes flashed when we finally started to calm down.

"You're so immature!" he repeated again, as though making sure we heard him.

This caused us to bust out laughing again. Soda rolled on the floor and grabbed his toy truck, then threw it at Darry. It bounced off of Darry's head. "OUCH!" exclaimed the eldest brother, who then proceeded to get up and chase around the middle brother.

"Pone! Help me! Help me!" Soda cried when Darry finally caught him, tickling him so hard that Soda looked about ready to explode with laughter. I had taken his words to heart though, and jumped on Darry's back, exclaiming "Die beast! Die!" Then I proceeded to hit Darry's ears with small baby-soft fists. Darry laughed and pulled me up so that I was riding piggy-back-style on Darry. I had squeeked with excitement and kicked my small legs, "Giddy up Dar! Giddy up!"

At that exact moment, mom and dad walked in, carrying groceries, the wind slammed the door shut. Darry jumped in surprise, causing me to get thrown off of his back and land with a sharp pain on the glass coffee table behind me. It shattered.

Everyone froze, looking over at me, I had a faint trickle of blood on my arm. I was still in shock at what had happened.

"Oh no! Pony I'm sorry!" Darry exclaimed, rushing over to help me, ignoring the pieces of glass that littered the room. Soda was staring wide-eyed as his parents rushed to their youngest son.

I was crying by now, holding my injured arm. In reality it wasn't that bad, but hey, I was four!

"Aw, sweetie, are you okay? Talk to mommy sweetie." I looked up at my mother's blurry figure, her soft golden curls shimmering in the sunlight. "Momma!" I cried, and clung to her. Darry was staring at me.

"Ponyboy I'm so sorry!" he said, but I didn't really believe him.

"Whyd'ja do that Dawy?"

"I didn't mean too." He tried to explain.

"Yes you did!" I sobbed into mommy's shirt.

Daddy had turned away from me and whistled at the sight of broken glass all over the living room floor. "I wonder who's gonna have to clean that up?" he asked sarcastically, combing his greased hair with his hand.

"Dawy, Dawy!" I said, pointing to Darry.

Darry looked shocked and sad, "but I didn't mean to Pone, I promise!"

"Whyd'ja do it then?" I countered.

"The door startled me," I must have looked confused at the word 'startled' cause he restarted his sentence. "When the door slammed shut, I got scared, and jumped. You accidentally slid off my back." _Flew off his back more like. _

"Oh." I nodded, understanding.

"You forgive me?" Darry asked, coming to crouch next to me and mom. Soda was still wide-eyed, looking scared as anything. His face purely stated 'I-didn't-do-anything!'

"I fowgive you."

Darry pulled me into a bear-hug and I relaxed into his embrace. Darry wasn't really that strong, not like dad, who's bear-hugs could crush you. It was actually nice. He was a soft ten-year old that really annoyed me sometimes, and vice-versa.

We all glanced over at Soda, who was red-faced. He saw all of us staring and burst into tears, "IT WASN'T ME!" he yelled, huddling into a ball. We all were confused.

"Of course it wasn't." Daddy said, turning to Sodapop. I crawled away from Darry and hugged Soda around the middle.

"Whadya do now?" I asked, looking at him.

"I didn't mean to hit Darry on the head with the fire-truck! Well I did, but I didn't mean to!"

We were all confused, Darry seemed to be the only one who was catching on to this.

"Oh." He said curtly, as though that summed up Sodapop's whole personality.

"Oh?" daddy asked, raising an eyebrow at Darry.

"Well, Ponyboy and Soda were being immature!" Darry defended himself, then said, "and Soda threw his toy truck at me! So I chased him and tickled him, and then Ponyboy jumped on me and pretended I was a horsey, and we were playing piggy-back when you walked in and you know the rest…" Darry said, but this wasn't making a lick of sense to me.

Mom looked like she got it, but Daddy and I were still confused.

"Yeah, but was that got to do wis him?" I asked, pointing at Soda.

"He thinks if he never hit me in the first place, you wouldn't have gotten hurt."

I glanced down at my now-not-bleeding arm and then at Soda. "Aw, dis isn't yur fault Soda. It was mom and Dad's!" I exclaimed brightly, earning groans from everyone in the room. Apparently I still didn't get what had actually caused the whole mess. Oh well.

…

"_Are you shitting me?" _Steve exclaimed, pulling away from me.

"Huh?"

"What the _hell _do you have in that bag Ponyboy Curtis?"

I stared at him, I thought Steve would understand. I looked down at the brown paper-bag again, and then back up at Steve.

"You know what's in there!"

"Of course I know what's in there! Why do you have it?"

"I…" how was I supposed to explain?

"No, no way. Give that to me now."

"No!" I held the bag closer to me, as though protecting it from Steve's wrath.

"Ponyboy, I don't care if Darry is fucking _raping _you, give me that bag!" I stared at him in hurt confusion – of course, Darry would never…rape…me. I shuddered at the thought. But really? I mean, I thought with Steve getting beat up at home and all he would actually have known…

"Kid, you don't know what that stuff does to ya, now give it here!"

"You want it for yourself!" I exploded.

Steve looked shocked, offended, angry, and egocentric all at the same time. "WHAT!"

"You heard me!" I said, though after seeing his face, I was starting to regret it.

"I already did that once kid, this shit ruins your life, now give me that fucking heroin!"

I looked down at the bag again, maybe showing Steve wasn't such a good idea after all…

"Kid." Steve growled.

"Kid."

"Let go!"

"Let go."

"KID!"

"KID." I was starting to like this game, Steve looking pretty pissed off.

"SHUT UP!"  
"SHUT UP."

"YOU STUPID FUCKIN-"

"YOU STUPUD FUCKIN."

"Ahh!"

"Ahh."

"I WILL PUNCH YOU HARDER THAN DARRY EVER HAS!"

"I WILL P-OW!" I clutched at my face, glaring at Steve, who ripped the bag away from me.

"You asshole!" I exclaimed.

"Shuddup."

"Make me!" I challenged, Steve turned to me and raised an eyebrow. "That can be arranged." He smirked, then rested his head back against the car-seat, the heroin bag still in his hands.

"Are ya gonna give that back?"

"Are you crazy?"

"Give it back Steve!"

"What's your damage!" Steve yelled, and I cringed a little. What was my damage? Was he fuckin stupid?

Steve scowled, then threw the bag of heroin out the car window, not even slowing down. I let out a cry and turned around in my seat, watching as it faded into the black.

"STE-EVE!"

"Oh don't 'Steve' me. Now let me get you back home before Darry beats your ass again."

"Well then you better hurry up, we've got exactly two minutes until that happens." I nodded at his wrist-watch. He looked at the time and cursed. He glanced over at me, his expression dark.

"I…I think you'd better stay over my place tonight…" he sounded like he was choking on pins and needles.

"r-really?" This was the most shocking thing that Steve Randal, Steve _fucking _Randal had ever said to me in my entire life. I bet if Soda was here he'd have a heart attack or something.

"Yeah really, and don't make me ask twice. Actually, I wasn't askin', you are staying over. Just, I'll tell Darry that I invited you and Two-Bit over, KAY?"

"Sure, sure whatever." I muttered, still in shock.

Steve nodded and swerved around, headed towards his place.

_Wow, _I thought, _Steve does care. _

**Okay Sorry I'm gonna stop it there. I know I know, nope, sorry CURRENT!Soda/Pony aren't in this chapter. This is all old stuff. Like memories and stuff. So how was this chapter? Good, bad? Questions? Review! I need the reviews so I can do my next chapters XD **


	4. The Dark Abyss

**Disclaimer ~ I do not own the Outsiders, I'm pretty sure we established that SE Hinton owns it. **

***Sorry about the cussing in the last chapter – I think it was because I was in a bad mood to begin with, there may be a few F bombs thrown in randomly in the other chapters, but I'm cooling it down to softer curses for now – it's rated T for a reason* I realize that there are younger readers that have added this fic, I would like to apologize to all of them. Sorry again. **

**Thanks for the reviews! Please enjoy.**

…

"YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO BE ANYTHING IN LIFE! YOU HEAR ME? YOU'RE AN UNDERACHIEVER! SOMEONE WHO'S NEVER GOING TO GET ANYWHERE! YOU'RE PROBABLY HAPPY BEING A 'C' STUDENT! WELL GUESS WHAT KIDDO – I AINT APPLAUDIN YA!"

"WILL YOU EVER STOP YELLING!"

"Well maybe if you would actually _do _better in school then I wouldn't have to yell!" the raised voice of Darry spat out.

"Yeah? Well how about hitting? Does that count under yelling, or are you too drunk to even realize what you're doing!"

Darry glowered at me, "Pony – don't get smart with me. I'm not in the mood."

"You're never in the mood!" I exploded, internally wincing at my daringness. Darry would definitely beat the living tar outta me now. "Ever since you started going out places with Toby you cha-." I was cut off as Darry shoved me against the wall. Hard.

I fell to the ground and glared at him from my spot on the floorboards.

"Don't. You. Get. Smart. You. SHIT." Each word was annunciated by a kick to the ribs. I held my stomach, coughing uncontrollably. My breath hitched as my airway became blocked off – I closed my eyes. This happened before, I just need to calm down. Just calm down. Just calm down.

"You hear me Ponyboy? Get to your room!" I didn't need telling twice, I barely had the energy to crawl to my room, and I collapsed on me and Sodapop's bed. I started crying into my pillow, the sounds muffled. "Soda I miss you, please come home!" I sobbed.

…

"…ne…one…Pone!" I heard a very familiar voice's frantic yelling.

"Oh god what happened to him? Was he jumped? Pony, come on, wake up!"

I blinked my eyes open, not daring to believe. The sight I saw made my heart jump into my throat.

"S-Sodapop?" I slurred out, blinking in confusion at him. But he was in 'Nam, he was fighting, he was over there. Not here. I must be delusional. He was clad in camouflage pants and a jacket, dog tags hung from his neck, and his hair was disheveled and ungreased. He sported no scars, but his eyes told the whole story – the eyes that were once lively and dancing were forever scarred with the witnessing of too many deaths.

"Ponyboy, what happened to you?" Soda cried, holding me to him.

"S-Soda!" I couldn't believe it was him – I threw my arms around him and clenched my fist into his jacket. If this was a delusion, it was the best and most realistic one I had conjured up.

"It's okay, I'm here. I'm here. I told'ja I'd come back didn't I?" Soda smiled at me, but tears were running down his face.

"Oh – Soda! I missed you, I missed you so much, I—" I broke off in a coughing fit, and for the first time I realized what state I was in. Darry had beaten me last night, then kicked me out of the house. I passed out somewhere behind Sutton street.

I glanced down at my body, where visible bruises laced my arms and ribs. I felt blood dribbling from the top of my eye.

"What happened to you! Were you jumped!" I sobbed into his shoulder. I couldn't tell him the truth – it would kill him. And Darry might start hurting Sodapop if he found out. I couldn't allow that.

"I…sort of…"

"What do you mean 'sort of'?" Soda demanded, giving me a once-over.

"I…I was beat up…"

"By who?"

"I…Uhhh…don't…remember…Soda, can we go somewhere?"

"Sure. Uh, but I was planning on going home and talking to Darry, I mean, I was on my way there when I saw you layin here. Does Darry know what happened?"

"I…he might."

Soda frowned and pulled me up towards him, all but dragging me to his car. "Come on get in, we gotta see Darry now."

I nodded my head thinking _I hope now that Sodapop's home this will all stop. _

…

And we lived like a happy family again. With the exception of Darry throwing the occasional hit when Sodapop wasn't looking. I think it was just habit to him now. Steve hadn't said anything yet – he was actually listening to me for once. I told him not to tell cause I didn't want Soda hurt too, I guess Steve was thinking along the same lines.

One time Soda had to work overtime at the DX, and I was left alone with Darry. For the first time since…that night.

"Pone, start makin dinner." Darry said from his armchair, not looking up from his dinner.

"Make it yourself." I muttered, barely sparing him a glance. Then I remembered. Oops.

"I…said…make…dinner…now!"

"NO!" I was sick of this – sick of acting like everything was fine now because Sodapop was here. Things will never be fine again, and it was all because of Darry.

"YOU LISTEN TO ME WHEN I TELL YOU TO DO SOMETHING!"

"OR WHAT? YOU GONNA BEAT IT OUTTA ME!"

"DON'T TEMPT ME!"

"DO IT! HIT ME! JUST STOP PRETENDING ALREADY! I'M SICK OF IT!"

Darry raised a fist but suddenly he stopped short, staring behind me. "Soda…" he whispered.

I turned around to see a very distraught and confused looking Sodapop.

"Ehhh…" Was all he said, before standing in front of me, putting a hand on Darry's still balled up fist, lowering it slightly.

"Darry…you wouldn't have really hit Ponyboy if I hadn't been here right?" he asked, cautiously.

Darry forced a small smile. "Of course not, me and Pony were just having a small argument, ain't that right Little Colt?"

I glared at him, but Soda didn't seem to notice. "okay." Was all he said, but he looked thoughtful. I knew what he was thinking – a few weeks ago Steve hinted at Darry's abuse. He said not to be surprised if Darry hit me.

I prayed he wouldn't figure it out – I couldn't let him be hurt too.

…

"Steve, I need to know what's goin on here." I opened my eyes, waking up from my nap. I could hear Steve and Soda's hushed voices outside. Darry was at work.

"There aint nothin goin on here. What gave you that idea?"

"I don't know, it's just…Darry and Ponyboy seem like they hate each other now."

Steve didn't respond right away, and my breath hitched. He was going to tell him. That sonuvabitch was gonna tell him!

"Let's just say don't be surprised if Darry hits the kid." He said quickly.

There was a pause, then Soda answered in a bitter voice, "What's that s'posed to mean Stevie? You sayin my family is that messed up?" I winced – I hadn't thought about Darry's abusing me as being 'messed up' but I guess it was.

"No, no, just. Be wary Sodapop. Don't let the kid and Darry in the same room together, alone."

"Why not!" Soda demanded, but Steve didn't say anything else. I decided this was the time to make my appearance, and I stretched and groaned, loud enough for them to hear. There was instant silence from outside when I heard Sodapop call "Ponyboy?"

"Yeah?" I said, trying to fake grogginess. I was a pretty good actor.

"Just checkin." Soda said, then Steve and Soda started talking again – but this time about cars.

…

"Sodapop?" I called, looking around the small room. My heart sped up – there was no one here. I was alone in this dark room – Oh God, did Darry find me again?

"SODA!" I yelled. Still no answer, I felt tears in my eyes as I remembered Soda's words, _"I won't leave you alone. Ever. You can count on me Pone. I love you and will never leave you." _

"SODAPOP!"

I was answered with complete and utter silence. I held my legs up to my chest and started rocking back and forth, trying to stop the tears in their tracks. They came anyways. Soda was gone. Soda was gone. I was alone…alone…alone! Oh glory – how could I take this?

"S-S-S-Sodaaaa!" I cried, then stopped short when I heard the door creaking open. My breathing sped up, going at a ridiculous pace along with my heartbeat.

"Woah! Ponyboy calm down!" Sodapop raced over to me and cradled me in his arms. I was hyperventilating by then.

"Pone, what's wrong? Did you have a nightmare? What happened?"

"Y-You were g-g-gone!" I cried into his arm.

Soda seemed confused for a moment, then reality struck him and he wrapped his arms tighter around me. "I aint even gonna leave you alone. I fell asleep on the couch out there – I'm sorry." He apologized.

I didn't say anything – just squeezed my eyes shut and tried to block out any bad thoughts.

"Pony, stop it! You're gonna hurt yourself. Get a hold of yourself!" Soda cried, shaking me slightly. But everything was becoming blurry. "Pone!" Soda's cry was the last thing I heard as I sunk into the abyss.

When I opened my eyes I had no clue where I was – this wasn't the motel me and Soda had been at, but it looked familiar somehow, as though I had been there before.

Then it hit me – we were at Steve's. Which meant Darry was right across the street.

"SODA!" I called out, and felt his warm arms wrap around me. "I'm right here Pony, calm down." I relaxed into his embrace.

"What happened?" I asked, spotting Steve out of the corner of my eye. He was frowning.

"You started freakin out – I didn't know what to do…then you passed out and I couldn't bring you to the hospital because then Da-…_He _would know where you were." He avoided saying Darry's name, and I was grateful for it. But I still couldn't help to feel annoyed and scared.

"SO YOU BRING ME TO THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET FROM HIM!" I screamed, but I wasn't angry at Soda. I was just angry at everything in general. Why was my life so screwed up?

"Pony, calm down!" Soda looked alarmed, and I tried to regulate my breathing so that I didn't pass out from lack of oxygen again.

"Look kid, it was either here or leave ya hangin with no clue what was wrong with ya." Steve piped up.

Ponyboy glared at him, but calmed down some.

"He doesn't know I'm here right?" I asked. Glory - if he found out where I was I was gonna punch someone.

The question hung thick in the air, and I felt even more nervous in Sodapop's arms. "Soda?" I asked, grabbing his collar.

"Steve – go park my truck somewhere Darry won't find it. He should be home soon…" Soda trailed off and wrapped his arms tighter around me as I winced. Steve nodded and set out to do what Soda told him to.

"Don't worry baby." Soda said in my ear. "We're going to be alright."

**Sorry if it's short! Also, after re-reading this chapter I find that it may be confusing some people with the whole Current!Soda/Pony thing. The last one (or the one where Ponyboy was yelling for Soda) is the Current!part. Everything else is memories. We're getting closer to the plotline! Yay *clap* **

**Please review! Questions, comments, praises *gulp* flames? Just list them in a review. Pardon any typo's! **


	5. Searching for The One

**Disclaimer – I do not own the Outsiders, SE Hinton does. Lucky girl!**

**AN – Wow, so I'm actually surprised that I'm getting all these updates in. I must enjoy writing this story more then I thought:D . I'm studying for my finals too, so that's really saying something! Thanks for the reviews and criticism guys, love it, keep it comin'. Make's me even more determined to write more chapters(: **

**Now – I'm going to start putting a 'P' standing for PRESENT whenever it's the present time. Keep it less confusing. **

…

"Dude, you mean you _actually _did that? Hah – I knew that girl was nothin more than a greasy broad!" I cringed as I heard Toby's loud, obnoxious laughing. He was worse than Darry in my opinion – he knew all about how Darry was abusing or "punishing" me, as Darry liked to put it, but he never stepped in or anything. He always stood at the sidelines…with a SMILE on his face. He hated me more than Darry I think – he thought I was a worthless kid. The first time he met me he asked me if I wanted a Jack Daniels. I wondered if his parents dropped him on the head when he was a baby. This guy was seriously screwed up.

"Yeah man, and I thought she might have been the one too…" I rolled my eyes – Darry was _always _searching for 'the one' and _always _ended up finding a hooker. _Always. _

If he wanted a girl he could start by looking places other than _the strip bar! _

I heard Toby let out a complicated hiss-spitting sound – like he was spitting inwardly instead of outwardly. "Man, that's just what chicks do. They all lookin for a man with money 'nd no problems, ye know what I'm sayin? Like the kid eh? He's a problem. I'll tell you one thing man, you should get rid of it man, it's nothing but a burden." I raised my eyebrows and practically choked with surprise – one because he had called me an 'it' and two because he acted as though I weren't even here. I saw Darry glance at me, for once with an emotion other than hate and anger. It was close to pity even…and selfishness.

"They aren't worth it." He said, but I had the feeling he was trying to convince himself.

"Exactly right my man," Darry walked away to go get a bottle of beer, " – hey, you. Yeah you. Come over here for a min'." I got up off the floor and walked until I was slightly next to Toby – but not within hitting distance. I knew Toby like I knew the bottom of my raggedy shoes – he was the kind of person that would take a swing at me for no reason, sorta like Tim Shepard, but worse. At least Darry hit me with a reason – if not a good reason, then he at least _had _a reason.

"You gonna come with me tonight, eh? Maybe you can finally get some you immature _thing." _Get some…get some what?

"uh, where?" I asked innocently, Toby sneered.

"To the funhouse lil bro – to get some man." Oh…_oh. _

"Er, I don't think Darry would like that very much…"

"Don't worry bout Dar, he aint gonna do nothin bout it that he hasn't already done before. Now come on kid, ya comin or not? You too wussy?"

I stared at him, praying that by some miracle he would get bored and just tell me to stay the hell away from him.

"I really don't think –"

"You really gonna stand me up man? I know a few guys and they won't like you too much when I tell them bout this…" he threatened. "So – you commin or not?"

I didn't say anything, but luckily Darry walked in on that exact moment. "Threatenin the kid? I like it." Great, even he was calling me "the kid". He grinned, but it fell short, and then he said quietly, "but I don't like what it's about."

"Whaddya mean?"

"You know what I mean." Darry threatened, shoving me roughly to the side. My face met the wall in a rather unpleasant way. Darry looked at me for a minute, like he hadn't intended that, then I watched in disgust as he hid in laughter at where I had ended up. He shook his head, bored with me, then turned back to Toby.

"Come on Dar. I mean – the kid's gotta get laid sometime!" he exclaimed, "I mean, look at it. It's like a little baby over there suckin his thumb cause 'big bro Curtis is mean to him'. That kid needs to be taught to give you more respect man, aint that right _baby?" _he looked at me tauntingly. I ignored him, and pulled my legs up to my chest, staring blankly ahead of me.

Darry looked from Toby to me, then back again. "He aint comin man. I'll come." He said.

"What-why?" Toby asked, shocked.

"Cause he's still my kid brother and_ I_ say he aint ready for this."

Oh – so it wasn't pity for me. I knew that. He just wanted to control me. Well he can't!

"Dar I wanna go—" I broke off abruptly as Darry shoved me so hard I went half-way flying across the room, knocking some ornaments on the tables over in the process. Toby just laughed at me, while Darry glowered. "Get to your room! I'll deal with you later – and you – get outta my house." Darry pushed Toby out the door and turned back to me.

…

**P**

"Hey kid." Steve greeted me. I barely acknowledged him, I just asked, "Where's Soda?" Me and Steve both internally winced at the sound of my voice – it was dead, empty.

"He's in the other room, you wanna see him?"

I thought about it. "No…"

"Oh." Steve looked a little confused. "You want anything?"

I finally looked at him. "No."

Sensing that he wasn't going to get any real answers out of me, he shrugged and walked into the other room – where Soda was apparently. I could hear them talking but I didn't really care for what about. All I knew was that I wanted to be alone, to curl up in a ball and be alone. It was weird – one minute I was crying for Soda, and the next…nothing… I just wanted everyone to stay the hell away from me. I mean, seriously – Soda hadn't even taken the precaution of hiding the car when he brought me here. Maybe he wanted Darry to get me.

Maybe he wanted me off his shoulders.

Maybe he thought I was a waste of time.

Maybe…

…

"You had better have a good reason for bringing home a D!" My eyes widened as I noted the bottle in Darry's hand. He had been drinking…_again. _

"I – uh." What was I supposed to say to Darry, _Oh well you know Dar, I would have done better, but you keep on hitting me too much and I don't have time left to study anymore!_

"Get your ass over here!" I didn't want to, but my feet had a will of their own, and they obediently listened to Darry, like a dog would listen to its master. Blindly. Not even seeing the battle-scars that would lie before them. I stopped in front of him, and looked up blankly into his eyes.

He stared at me for a moment, before I heard a loud "whoosing" sound, and a hard thwack was delivered to the side of my head. I groaned and clutched it, almost falling down in the process. I stared ahead, trying to decipher what was up and what was down.

I could just make out Darry's figure – my eyes were too teary to see anything else. That swat had _hurt! _

"That was one." Darry said, and I felt my eyes widen. I couldn't take much more of that! I was about to open my mouth to tell him when another swat was delivered, this time connecting with my ear. It took a minute for me to hear anything at all. "That was two."

I wondered how long this was going to go on, and when the sixth swat came, that was when my knees buckled. Darry looked at me and frowned.

"Get to bed – and if I hear of another bad grade you won't like what's commin!"

…

"What's wrong?" I asked Darry, wide-eyed. He was staring ahead of him with a bottle of whiskey, a blank look on his face.

"Soda's been drafted." He stated matter-of-factly. He took a swing from his almost-empty jug. My heart stopped beating.

_Soda…DRAFTED? _

"He…no – they made a mistake! They wouldn't take him away from me…they wouldn't…"

Darry looked up sharply at me, "You think you're the only one that's gonna miss him? That you're the only one who he's gonna get taken away from? Huh? Well do ya!"

I looked up in surprise, startled by Darry's venomous tone of voice. "Well listen up kiddo," he went on angrily, staggering up and starting towards me. "Don't ever think that, don't you ever think that!" there were tears in his eyes.

I frowned, and said "Gee Dar, I know I'm not the only one who's gonna loose him but…jeesh."

I could literally see Darry's frame shaking, and I took a incoluntary step back.

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!" He burst out, and I stared at him in surprise and…anger…

Don't understand? How could he say that to me?

"Don't understand huh!" I yelled, "you aint the one who lost your best buddy! You aint the one who saw your best buddy's hero crumple under the street! You weren't the one who caused their deaths! You don't understand nothin either!"

Darry glared daggers at me, "You don't use that tone of voice with me!" he yelled, almost as loudly as me. I was surprised Sodapop hadn't awoken with all this yelling.

"So what if I do? Who do you think you a—" thwam! I clutched my nose, surprised that Darry's punch hadn't drawn blood. I can't believe it – he just hit me…again. After he promised Soda no more fighting…the last time he hit me Johnny died – the last time he hit me I almost got drowned. Well that wasn't gonna happen this time – I was ready for him.

"I can't take it anymore!" I yelled, shoving him away from me, surprised as he actually hit the ground. It must have been the whiskey.

Darry shook his head and got up, pushing me down, then he proceeded to kick me repeatedly, ignoring my cries of pain. As the last blow was delivered, I heard Soda cheerfully call that dinner was ready from inside.

…

**P**

"Do you think he's alright?" I heard Soda's worried voice, and it took all my might not to roll my eyes. He worried about me to much – didn't he see that I didn't care anymore? That hell could freeze over tomorrow and I wouldn't notice? Or care?

"Sodapop, he's gonna be fine. Really. He's just goin through a stage." Steve said calmly. I could almost _hear _Soda raising his eyebrows.

"A _stage? _You call not eating and not responding to anything we say a _stage?" _

"No…I call it normal."

I heard a chair scrape in the other room and I imagined Sodapop jumping up from his seat to glare at Steve.

"Normal! What the hell are you talkin bout Stevie?"

"Soda – he's been abused and-"

"No, you think!" I was a little surprised at Sodapop's outburst. He never yelled at Steve. Steve was his best friend. His best buddy, like Johnny used to be my best buddy. I never yelled at Johnny, never…

"Soda! Calm down and listen to me!" I heard Steve exclaim, and I was even more surprised. Steve begging? That was definitely weird for him.

"What Steve." I heard Soda sigh, and angry as he was, in Soda's book, curiosity came first.

"He's been abused Soda. Before you say anything, listen to me. When your…when that happens…you wouldn't know Sodapop. You don't know what he's been through. He's changing – and there's nothing you can do to stop it. This will pass – it will pass Soda, don't you forget that. Remember Johnny man? He aint like Ponyboy is now, _cause he got over it. _Dally never cared anyway – and I ain't _too _bad off am I?" Steve tried joking, but Soda didn't sound amused.

"He's just worryin me Stevie."

"I know, the kid's actually startin to worry me too." I heard Steve let out a nervous chuckle, probably unused to saying 'the kid' and 'worried' in the same sentence.

I peeked through the door to see Soda smiling at Steve, he exclaimed brightly "So you _do _have a heart!" Steve just groaned.

…

**Did you like it? Hate it? Any pointers – specific things you'd like to see me add? Just tell me, I'll be happy to deliver it if I can. Hope the P was less confusing for ya! **

**Don't forget to review : ) **


	6. A note for your thoughts?

**Disclaimer ~ I do not own The Outsiders, we all know SE Hinton does. **

**AN – I'm currently working on two stories, which one do you want to see published first? **

**The Classic Mixup –Instead of being a Curtis, Ponyboy is a Cade. Him and his brother Johnny get jumped, meet the gang, crazy times ensue…etc**

**Or**

**Nightmare on Grease Street – a mix of Nightmare on Elm Street and the Outsiders. The boys start having weird nightmares that eventually turn into real-life. **

**Let me know! Please enjoy this chapter, and don't forget to review! I haven't been getting that many reviews lately *sadness* but hopefully I'll get more this chapter! **

…

I sat alone, not for the first time, staring out the window – to the fields beyond, wondering why I wasn't aloud outside anymore.

Oh yeah, cause Darry's jacked off about something, and took it out on me by grounding me for two months and giving me a good beating.

I hated my life. I knew that now. I used to love my life – back when Darry was nice and loved me, back when Sodapop was here. Back when they both cared about me, back when my parents were alive…back when Johnny and Dally were alive…back then…

Back then…

Back then everything was new, golden – like that poem from Robert Frost – but now I was turning green. I guess he was right – nothing gold can stay.

…

"I think you should actually start looking for a job." I stated, looking at Two-Bit with a frown, "I don't need you babysittin' me when Darry's not around. I'm not a baby no more. He can hi—yell all he wants." I caught myself at the last minute, but thankfully Two-Bit didn't seem to notice.

"Shoot kid – the day I get a job is the day my mamma will have a heart attack!" Good 'ol Two-Bit. He's so used to having the rep of being 'jobless' that he doesn't even care anymore when we make fun of him for it.

"Yeah, well maybe that'll be soon."

Two-Bit thought for a moment, then said "Nah, my mamma's too young to have a heart attack – most people get em when there in their sixties or som'in right? Tha's old. My mother's young. Hittin forty-three." He said proudly.

"Uh-huh…"

"So kid, what'cha been up to lately?"

"Nothing." I said as quick as possible, trying to get off that topic.

"Nothin eh?" Two-Bit asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Mhm."

Two-Bit frowned at me for a second, then went on. "So the other day I was at Bucks right…"

I spaced out most of the story, thinking about my home-life. Darry. Alcohol. Fists flying. Soda. Vietnam. Emptiness.

"- so then she said, "Ew I ain't touchin that!" Two-Bit started cracking up at his own joke, which faded when he realized I hadn't given a response to the story,

"Kid, were you even listenin to a word I was sayin?"

"What?" I asked, looking up at him.

Two-Bit sighed and said, "never mind. You must got a lot on your mind kid. Tell me, what's goin through that thick head of yours?" I decided to ignore his jibes, and frowned.

"Nothin."

"Nothin?"

"Nope."

"Sure kid, whatever you say." Two-Bit smirked, and I half-expected him to hit me like Steve had, but he just went on talking. And talking. And talking.

Finally he got bored of talking, grabbed some chocolate cake out of the fridge, and sat down to flip on the TV with a bear bottle in his hand. I vaguely heard the sound of Mickey Mouse, and Two-Bit's loud cracking up.

…

"Ya got a smoke Steve?" I asked, walking up behind a man with black hair curled in complicated swirls. He jumped a mile then cursed.

"Jeesh kid, scared the crap outta me. Here." He tossed me a package of Kools. I shakily grabbed a cancer stick, cursing when it crumpled in the package – my hand was shaking so hard that it accidentally snapped it. I reached for another one, proud that I had at least gotten one this time. I leaned my head against the wall behind me and exhaled smoke slowly.

"What's got you down in the dumps?" Steve asked, looking sideways at me. I shrugged.

"Darry hit me." I said matter-of-factly. Steve didn't say anything, just frowned and turned away.

"Yeah well, I aint givin you shelter." He joked. I looked at him in surprise.

"I didn't ask to stay over."

"Well, you were goin to weren't cha?"

"N—I don't know. I wasn't planning on it, I just wanted to get out for a little bit."

Steve sighed and said, "Darry know you're here?"

"No."

"Kid I swear your givin Darry more and more excuses to beat the livin crud outta you, ya know that?"

"I don't care." I mumbled, staring at the ground. Steve watched me curiously.

"Yes you do." He said, nodding his head as though he had just come to that conclusion.

"No, I don't care anymore." I said, thinking about it. I was right – even though they hurt physically, Darry's punches don't hurt me mentally any more.

"Kid, don't get like that." Steve sighed.

"Like what?" I asked, confused.

"Just – be yourself kid. Let it out."

"There aint nothin to let out. You're the only person I really talk to anymore. Hell, I talk to you more then I talk to Two-Bit." I realized.

Steve smiled slightly, "Yeah you might wanna get some more friends."

I didn't answer, I just clenched my jaw and stared ahead.

"What's the matter?" Steve asked, lookin me over.

"Darry – he aint lettin me do track next year." I said slowly.

"Shoot kid, that's all you're worried about?"

"Shoot nothin!" I snapped. "Track was the only thing that kept me sane through all this! That and Sodapop's letters, which he stopped sending." I confessed, still a little pissed off.

Steve looked confused. "He stopped sendin you letters?" he asked.

"Yeah." I sighed.

Steve frowned at him for a minute, before asking, "Do you think it's Darry?"

"Do I think what's Darry?" I asked.

"Ya know, Soda not sendin you letters and stuff. Maybe Darry's like, intercepting them or somethin." I raised my eyebrows, surprised that Steve had used a word like 'intercepting'. Then thought about what he said, but that didn't seem very likely. I just know that Soda hates me – Darry told me, I didn't believe him…then Soda stopped sendin me messages. That had got me worried. I just knew that Soda hated me. He sent Darry messages, but not me. And he never asked about me in Darry's messages. I would know – Darry would show them to me and taunt me. Sometimes I wondered if they were even real letter's that Sodapop sent him.

"Maybe." I said, but didn't really agree with him.

Steve didn't say anything else, just stood there, smokin.

…

**P**

"Hey Pony." Soda greeted me as I walked into the living room. I glanced around, Steve wasn't here and his dad was gone for the week.

"Soda?" I asked. He was layin there with his eye's closed, lookin like he was half asleep.

"Hm?"

"When are we leavin?" Soda opened one eye to look at me.

"Well uh, you wanna leave?" he asked, getting up from his spot on the couch to crawl into a sitting position.

"Yeah." I admitted quietly.

There was a silence then Soda said, "We'll leave tonight then…" he sounded slightly sad, but it lifted my spirits a lot. For the first time in a long time I smiled. It might not have been the biggest, brightest smile of all times, but it was still a smile.

"Thanks Soda." I said, walking over to sit next to him. He started to pull me into a hug and I flinched away on reflex, earning a saddened look from Soda. He sighed.

"Sorry kiddo." He said, putting his arms back down, but I snuggled up next to him. Relieved, Soda pulled me back into a hug. We sat like that until I drifted off, still in Sodapop's arms. I felt safe. For the time being.

…

**P**

"What, you don't like this song?" Sodapop asked, turning up the radio. I inwardly rolled my eyes. We had left Steve's about an hour ago, and were just driving, looking around for a motel to stay at. Sodapop had been singing along to the radio as loud as he possibly could. "_You aint nothing but a hound dog…!" _he yelled.

"No, it's fine." I said, staring at it.

Soda gave me a tight smile before returning back to his singing, but he wasn't as in to it anymore. He even went off-pitch on a few lines. I mean – Soda wasn't the best singer to begin with, but he always had a good tone.

Sodapop turned to look at me, "So what'cha think?" he asked. "Should I get a career in the sin - as a singer?" he asked.

I couldn't help but to laugh, "Sure Sodapop, you do that." Soda gave me a whacky grin, and I returned it. His face lit up like a Christmas tree at a job well done.

I just chuckled and shook my head, watching the people pass by us so fast it was like slow motion. There were a crowd of people gathering somewhere. Weird. I looked closer and felt my stomach drop. "Hey Sodapop you see that?"

Soda averted his eyes off the road to see what I was talking about. He did a double-take. "Holy shit!"

I clung to my seatbelt for dear life as Soda swerved the car around and almost hit a tree. I stared at him wide-eyed, he gave a brief "sorry" before unbuckling himself and jumping out of the car. I followed in suit, but more slowly. I already knew what was there, but I didn't want to admit it to myself yet. Sodapop was frozen in the crowd of people, fear evident in his eyes.

"Sodapop?" I asked, coming to stand next to him. Soda hurriedly ushered me away from the crowd but not before I saw the dead body of Tim Shepard.

"That's Tim! That's Tim!" I cried out, pointing. Sodapop tried pushing me back but I gave a mighty struggle – Soda was panting by the time he finally let me go. I simply raced back to the group of stragglers that were still examining the body. I briefly wondered why the police weren't here yet.

"Hey, look at this!" one guy shouted, holding something in the air. It was white and red.

No…it was white with red blood-stains on it.

It was a note.

I felt myself freeze as the man spoke aloud what was written on it. "_I'm coming for the kid and his brother next – stop me if you can. T.F." _

I didn't even register Soda's hands resting on my shoulders, I was just so...oblivious…so…numb. T.F…

Toby Fisher.

**Okay I'm starting to think these chapters are sucking – anyone want to reassure me? Haha, or am I right? **

**Well, there's only going to be a few more memory chapters – then we'll go onto the real plotline. **


	7. A fight between brothers

**Okay – this chapter won't have present tense. It's going to be loaded with memories. This is the last chapter with memories – we're going to move onto the actual plot/story next chapter! Yay. **

**Disclaimer ~ I do not own the Outsiders.**

…

"I can't believe he's leaving." I shook myself awake as I heard Darry's voice. The next voice I didn't recognize. "Man, you're always welcome down to the bar."

"No, I can't. I've still got a kid brother to take care of – I can't leave him alone. And I work too much to go to the bar."

I heard the voice again. "Skip work – and I'm sure the kid can take care of himself."

"I can't skip work Toby." Darry sighed uneasily. "I don't have enough money as it is, and there's no way I can leave Ponyboy by his lonesome. I swear that kid attracts trouble like honey attracts bees."

"I know a way you can get money." 'Toby' said. "And if the kid's that much trouble just get rid of 'em."

"I can't do that Toby!" Darry sounded slightly shocked at what his new 'friend' was suggesting. I listened closely from my spot at the door.

"Fine fine. Keep the runt, but you can still have some fun in your life." Who was he to call me a runt? And what did he mean by fun?

"He aint a runt, and what are you suggesting Toby?"

"I know a way that you can make some extra money man. C'mon, I'm gonna take you to the bar. You don't have work tonight right? Good. We'll talk about this at the bar. C'mon."

I heard silence, then Darry called out "Ponyboy!"

"Yeah?" I asked.

"I'm going out with my friend for a little while. Are you going to be alright by yourself?"

"Yeah Dar, I'll be fine." He needed to get out more.

"Okay, I'll be back later kiddo."

So I sat down and waited for Sodapop to come home.

…

"Hey Ponyboy," Soda said sleepily, "Where ya been?"

"I didn't mean to!" I pleaded with Darry. "I was talking to Johnny and we both dropped off…"

"I reckon it never occurred to you that your brothers might be worrying their heads off and afraid to call the police because something like that could get you two thrown in a boys home so quick it'd make your head spin. And you were asleep in the lot? Ponyboy, what on earth is the matter with you? Can't you use your head? You haven't even got a coat on."

I felt hot tears of anger and frustration rising. "I said I didn't mean to…"

"I didn't mean to!" Darry shouted, and I almost shook. "I didn't think! I forgot! That's all I ever hear outta you! Can't you think of anything?"

"Darry…" Sodapop began, but Darry turned on him. "You keep your trap shut! I'm sick and tired of hearin you stickin up for him." He should never yell at Soda. Nobody should ever holler at my brother. I exploded, "You don't yell at him!" I yelled.

Darry wheeled around and slapped me so hard that it knocked me against the door. Suddenly it was deathly quiet. We had all frozen. Nobody in my family had ever hit me. Nobody. Soda was wide-eyed. Darry looked at the palm of his hand where it had turned red and then looked back up at me. His eyes were huge.

"Ponyboy…"

I turned and ran out the door and down the street as fast as I could.

…

"Ponyboy!" I cringed as I heard the sound of my drunken brother. My heart sped up and I turned around to see Darry driving – no, speeding – down the street towards me. At the rate he was going you'd think there was a tornado on his back. I turned and tried to run to the DX which was just a street away when Darry's car cut me off. He got out slowly, and I backed away, away from him. My own brother.

"D-Darry." I stuttered, scared outta my mind. Darry had grounded me, I wasn't supposed to be here. I was just gonna go to the DX for a pepsi – I've been aching for one for ages.

"Don't you ever learn boy?" he pushed me on the ground and I hissed as a branch cut along my side. I looked up at Darry with pleading eyes.

"I'm sorry…"

"You're sorry? I'll make ya sorry!" he said, then he kicked me. I started screaming as loud as I could, hoping some passerby would save me from my brother.

"Shut up! Shut up shut up, SHUT UP!" he shouted as I continued to scream. He grabbed my wrists in one hand and used the other to start punching me senseless. I blindly kicked at him, too dazed to even see straight. I heard a shout and my heart sunk.

"Darry!" it was Sodapop. Glory this wasn't good.

Darry pulled away from me so quick I barely knew what was happening.

"Soda – get out." I said through clenched teeth. I felt someone's hands under my shoulders, making me sit up straight. I spotted a knot of blonde hair, and brown eyes looked at me worried, shocked, angry, and confused.

"Darry what the hell did you do!" Sodapop shouted, still staring at me.

"I…" Darry couldn't think of anything to say.

"You what?" Soda asked, turning away from me to glare at Darry. "What the hell was that!"

"Soda you gotta listen to me – he just, that brat just—"

"Don't call our brother a brat after you just beat him!" Soda shouted.

Darry didn't have anything to say to that. "What was that?"

Darry just stared at Soda with pleading eyes. "Answer me!" Soda shouted. I was scared – I'd never seen Sodapop this mad.

"I…he deserved it!" Darry suddenly snarled, and I flinched, scared he would hit me again.

"He deserved it! Nothing he could do deserved _that!" _Soda spat.

"Sodapop please listen little buddy…"

"I'm never listening to anything you say! Never again! Just get outta here while you still have the chance… "Soda's voice got lower as he said these last words. He was in a protective stance over me and his eyes were flashing. I have never seen Soda this dangerous before.

"Soda don't do this!"

"Get out of here!"

"No! Listen –" but Sodapop didn't give himself the chance to listen as he lunged for Darry. I let out a yelp of surprise and watched my brothers roll on the grass together, each trying to gain ground. I started screaming for help – louder than I had before. But there was no one around, and I didn't want to leave Sodapop here with Darry – even if he seemed to be winning. Darry was cunning like that, he was stronger than Sodapop even with Soda's anger fueling him. I could already see the fight starting to leave Soda.

"SODAPOP!" I yelled, and without thinking threw myself at Darry. Soda and Darry were both surprised, but Soda was quicker to react than Darry.

"Ponyboy get outta here!" he screamed.

But Darry already had me around the waist and lifted me off him, throwing me to the ground with a splat.

"Po-ny!" Soda yelled, and then leaned down next to me. I got a good look at him, he had a nice shiner around his eye, and his lip was busted. Darry fared no better, he had a big cut on his head and he kept rubbing his knees.

"Stop fightin! Please stop fightin!" I repeated Sodapop's own words and I saw him flinch. Darry was already moving to the truck by then, looking horrified at having hit Sodapop.

"Soda – I'm sorry!" he said, already half-way in the car.

"Get the hell outta here and stay away!" Soda yelled at him. I saw surprise and hurt in Darry's eyes, then he looked at me and snarled, "I'm comin back for you." I started shaking as he slammed the car door shut and drove away, Soda held me tightly in his arms.

…

I sat on the couch, waiting for Sodapop to get home from the DX, biting my fingernails. Darry was still at work and wouldn't be home till much later. Toby was sitting in Darry's recliner and looking at me, grinning – he was missing two teeth and the rest of them were yellow. I still didn't know how Darry associated himself with someone so…dirty.

"Hey kid." He said, I looked over at him. "Go get me a beer." I stared at him for a little while longer before getting up and doing what he said. As I handed it to him he grabbed my wrist, and I yanked it away. It was throbbing, I threw him a glare and then sat down on the couch, nursing my wrist. It had blueish-red hand marks on it. That was going to leave a bruise.

"Whadya do that for?"

"Do what for?" he grinned toothily.

I just rolled my eyes at him and tried to ignore him. I gave a jump of surprise as he suddenly appeared right beside me, he grabbed my wrist again and I couldn't help but to let out a yelp of pain. I tried to shove him away but he had a firm hold on my wrist, and I couldn't do anything without him breaking it.

"Kid, yer nothin'. Darry doesn't deserve to have a burden like you – you should run away, just run away. No one here loves ya, Darry just puts up with ya cause he don't wanna leave you in tha streets with some thugs, cause he knows that if ya get beat up or som'in he's the one gettin in trouble for it." I sat looking at him, and felt my eyes start to water. I stubbornly held tears back – I don't cry. Greasers don't cry. I don't even let my brothers see me when I cry. I wasn't gonna cry cause of this man here.

Two seconds later he let go of my wrist and sat back down in the recliner as though nothing had just happened. I didn't know what to do or say – I just gaped at him, shaking. My mind was on overload, I had no clue what all that was about, but I couldn't help to wonder at his words. Did Darry really think I was a burden? Is the only reason he kept me is cause he didn't want to get in trouble with the fuzz? _Did I really want to run away? _

…

There were numerous things I could decipher from Toby Fisher's personality. One – he hated kids, and I mean it. Once Darry let me out with him and Toby (he wouldn't let me out with Toby alone), and we walked past the park. Toby kept eyeballin the kids moms and he would cuss at any kid that came near him. Curses so colorful that even Dallas Winston would cry.

Two – I was his new worst enemy or something. He couldn't stand me, and I didn't even do anything. He started off just sayin rude things about me and telling Darry I wasn't worth it whenever Darry was drunk. And a drunk Darry believed anything that anyone said, so of course Darry listened to him. Whenever Toby would tell him how worthless I was Darry would nod his head, saying things like 'I can't believe I never noticed before' or just giving the occasional 'yeah, you're right'. Then he started doing more physical things, like bruising my wrists and arms from grabbing onto them too tight or something. And it would be completely random too, we could be standing in line at the movies and then Toby would start shaking and suddenly he'd grab my arm so hard that I would feel like it was about to pop off. Once Darry caught this and Toby said, "that's how you get through to kid's, I would know Darry". I tried really hard not to laugh at that – Toby Fisher is one person who would never even think about having kids, or acknowledge one at that. I think that's what started Darry's whole 'getting-physical-thing'. It wasn't exactly abuse at first, just things like Toby did, grabbing my arm to tight or pulling me by the hair/ear when he was jacked off at me. Then Toby convinced him to give me a spankin once, and not just any spankin. He said with a belt – that hurt like a sunuvagun.

Toby also talked to himself a lot. The last time I saw him do it was when he was talking to a bottle of Elmers glue – he kept saying 'no, no, no, no' and then when he caught me staring at him he freaked out and told Darry that I had tried to knife him. Darry of course, came to Toby's defense and knocked me out cold.

There was just something wrong with Toby, with all his mood swings. He seemed more dangerous than anyone I had ever met before – I thought he could burn me faster than any church fire could. He was worse than the whole gang put together – worse than the Socs even. He scared me like crazy, but of course Darry wouldn't listen to me. Once I tried telling him to stop hanging out with Toby and he started hitting me and kicking me, close to tears – like he didn't know what he was doing. When he first started hitting me he'd apologize for it, and give me a few bucks the next day like Steve's dad did whenever he kicked Steve out of the house. Then he just stopped apologizing, as though he didn't even care anymore. All he did was glare at me, and when he wasn't glaring he was yelling, and when he wasn't yelling he was hitting. Sometimes it was all three of them.

Somewhere in my heart I knew – this was all Toby's fault.

…

"So your saying Darry's been beatin on the kid?" Two-Bit asked in shock. I looked closely at him – I haven't talked to Two-Bit in a while, he mostly stayed away when Sodapop was gone. He would still talk to me once in a while though, but you could see how sad he was. It surprised me, I mean, we were all buddy's – but I didn't know Two-Bit cared about Sodapop that much. I expected that sort of thing from Steve not Two-Bit, but it turned out the other way around. Two-Bit's normally dancing grey eyes were stormy and mad.

Sodapop glanced over at me, and I shrugged, not meeting any of their gazes. _Well, _I thought bitterly, _now it's out in the open – exactly what I didn't want to happen. _

"Uh, yeah I guess." Sodapop said awkwardly. I didn't look up, didn't do anything other than just stare at the floor and bite my nails. I could feel everyone's gazes on me, when suddenly Two-Bit snapped.

"Steve! You knew about this and you didn't tell me?" Steve winced at Two-Bit's tone of voice.

"He told me not to." He said defensively, shrugging. Two-Bit scowled at him while Soda just stood there, looking sad and depressed. I felt bad for him – he comes home from war thinking everything's going to be okay when in reality it's worse.

Two-Bit looked over at me, and I finally looked up. "Why not kid?" he asked. I didn't say anything, just looked at him. I think Two-Bit saw the deadened look in my eyes because his suddenly became soft and he hugged me. I almost laughed, Two-Bit Mathews hugging me? Who would have thought…

"You'll be okay kid." He whispered into my ear. I nodded and he let go – much to my relief, I didn't really feel like being hugged by anyone other than Soda.

"Alright – we've gotta come up with a plan." He said. Everyone looked at each other, frowning.

"Whadd'ya mean Two-Bit?" Soda asked.

"I mean – we gotta get the kid somewhere safe. And somewhere Darry can't get 'im. Remember? Darry's still the legal guardian of Ponyboy, he can come and get him any time he wants to. You know for a fact he won't give up – you said it yourself Sodapop, he said he could come back for him."

Steve and Soda's eyes widened as they took this in and I couldn't help but to let out a whimper. Two-Bit was right, Darry could come and grab me any time he wants to…

"No. No. No." Soda said, shaking his head, "No that won't happen."

"Soda-" Steve started but Sodapop turned on him, "That _won't happen._" Steve just stared at his friend, at a loss for words.

Sodapop paced around for a little bit, before finally looking up at me. I flinched away, I don't know why but the look in Soda's eyes warned me away.

"Ponyboy…" Soda started, walking towards me. I burrowed myself farther into the couch. "Pone – we gotta leave here baby, we gotta leave." I felt tears stinging in my eyes, this was my home. I didn't want to leave. I couldn't. I couldn't leave everything behind, I had too many memories here.

"No." I said, barely above a whisper. Soda looked at me and put a hand on my knee. "Ponyboy I'm sorry but we gotta-"

"NO!" I yelled, startling everyone in the room. "No, I aint leavin, I aint leavin here Soda! I c-can't." I started crying then, I couldn't help it though. This was too much to take in. So I just sat there and cried as everyone waited for me to calm down, to try to talk sense into me.

…

I hate Sodapop Curtis. I really really hate him. And yet here he was, packing my bags as though this was no big deal.

"I aint goin." I said again, for what seemed the millionth time that day.

Soda sighed and put a hand up to his head. "Honey, we need ta get you outta here. Don't you see? Darry can get you if you stay here."

"Sode! It's not like I'm gonna be stayin in his _house_ for cryin out loud! We'll be…we can just find another house in Tulsa and –"

"What kind of money do you think I have? They paid us in war but I'm sure all that went to Darry's alcohol, and maybe some to bills." Soda cut him off gently. "Look baby, we're just getting away from here as far and as fast as possible." He stopped packing for a minute and pulled me into a hug, I flinched before I realized what he was doing, but he just ignored me and continued to hug me.

"We're gonna be okay baby. We're gonna be okay."

There was silence, then - "Soda, I'm scared."

Sodapop sighed, stroking my hair. "I won't leave you alone. Ever. You can count on me Pone. I love you and will never leave you."

That really got me, I sniffled, and hugged Sodapop towards me even more. "I'm sorry." I said, tears forming in my eyes. Poor Sodapop, having to come home to this mess, and it was my fault too – that just made it worse.

"What are you sorry for?" Soda sounded confused.

"Because it's all my fault – if I had just listened to Darry than none of this would have happened and I'm so sorry!" I broke off in a sob, tears leaking from my eyes. All I could think was _greaser's don't cry, greaser's don't cry… _ But I'm not a greaser. I'm just a kid.

Sodapop was angry, I could see it, I could practically feel it. I shivered a little and tried to pull away from him, but he held me firm.

"Soda let me go." I said, trying to push him off. He took my face in his palms and forced me to look at him. "Don't ya ever be sorry for this – it was not your fault. Got it? _Not your fault. _Don't ya ever try blamin yourself baby, it aint your fault."

"It's not Darry's fault either." I pointed out. Sodapop looked at me like I had just grown another head. "huh?"

"It's Toby's fault – it's all Toby's fault." I explained, surprised at the venom in my voice.

"Toby…wait, Toby Fisher? The guy who lives near Bucks?"

"Yeah – that Toby."

"When did Darry start hangin out with Toby?"

"A little before you left…He's the reason Darry started drinking, and he's the one who kept tellin Darry to beat me. Which he eventually did."

Why did I feel so calm with this conversation? I felt like I was talking about someone else, not me. I just felt empty, used. I felt like there was no one there who could help me – no one to save me. I didn't feel like the victim…I felt like I was the witness.

Sodapop winced at my emotionless tone, and at the words I threw at him. I just stared at him, waiting for his reaction.

"Pone…what's happened to you?" Soda murmured, before shaking his head, letting me go, and going back to packing. He didn't speak another word, and I wondered if I had offended him somehow.

…

**Alright – those are all the memories we're going to need. Now, the next chapter will be PURELY in the PRESENT TENSE! Yayyyyy :D **

**Please review and tell me what ya think. Remember, reviews are the only things that keep me going while writing stories, so unless you guys don't want any more chapters published you gotta keep reviewing, and you can ask any single person on fanfiction that writes stories, everyone looks forward to the reviews, and I love answering your questions and giving you insight. Please review:D **


	8. I fought for you

**Disclaimer ~ I do not own the Outsiders**

**AN – the whole rest of the story will be present tense now. Enjoy : D**

…

"_Sodapop?" I asked, coming to stand next to him. Soda hurriedly ushered me away from the crowd but not before I saw the dead body of Tim Shepard. _

"_That's Tim! That's Tim!" I cried out, pointing. Sodapop tried pushing me back but I gave a mighty struggle – Soda was panting by the time he finally let me go. I simply raced back to the group of stragglers that were still examining the body. I briefly wondered why the police weren't here yet. _

"_Hey, look at this!" one guy shouted, holding something in the air. It was white and red. _

_No…it was white with red blood-stains on it. _

_It was a note._

_I felt myself freeze as the man spoke aloud what was written on it. "I'm coming for the kid and his brother next – stop me if you can. T.F." _

_I didn't even register Soda's hands resting on my shoulders, I was just so...oblivious…so…numb. T.F… _

_Toby Fisher. _

Sodapop held me in his arms. I had finally stopped crying, but now I was scared. I know I haven't been scared in a long time - but I mean I was really scared. I knew Toby, he wouldn't have left that note just to play with us. He's not smart enough for that – he actually meant he was coming after me. This was the first time (disregarding that time I had my head held under a water fountain) I'd feared for my life. He was coming after me. He was coming. He was coming. That scared me more than the thought of Darry coming after me.

"It's gonna be alright Ponyboy, don't you worry about nothin'." I could do nothing but shiver in Sodapop's arms. His words, meant to be comforting, scared me even more. I went through all the things I could respond to that with in my mind, the one that held the most truth was the one I didn't want to say. _Don't worry about nothing? Sodapop I don't think you noticed but there's a crazed psychotic man after me who has killed people! _I was pretty sure Soda wouldn't take that too well.

We sat there for hours…or maybe it was minutes. Either way I was scared outta my mind – and Soda's presence was only bringing images of Darry and Toby back to me, it was like watching a biography movie with me being the star. I knew I was hyperventilating and still was letting out choked sobs but at that point I didn't care. I just had to let it all out – I've kept it in for too long. I realize that now, I just had to let it out and then everything would go back to the way it was before. We could get Darry help – he wasn't beyond help right? We could get him in a program and everything, and we'd be okay. Sodapop could get his job at the DX back, and in a few months I'd be old enough to get a job. Everything will be okay.

But I knew all of that was just false hope, something that could never happen. It was like how little girls dreamed of becoming princesses and little boys dreamed of becoming superhero's – that kind of stuff just didn't exist. It will never happen, no matter how much I will it.

"Pony, we're gonna get through this. I won't ever leave you – you're stuck with me kiddo, sorry to disappoint you." I looked up at Sodapop's face. His weak attempt at a joke didn't amuse me. "I-I'm not disa-p-pointed." I sobbed, crying into his shirt. He sighed and rubbed circles on my back.

He didn't say anything else; we just sat there, each lost in our own little world.

I felt an intake of breath and I glanced up at Soda. His eyes were shut and he looked like he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. I hated it – I didn't want to be a burden to him now too.

I couldn't take it anymore. This was all too much - how can I continue to live like this? In this constant fear? I closed my eyes and rested my head on Soda's lap. I don't even think he noticed, but I couldn't be sure, cause I was out like a light in a matter of seconds.

…

I slowly woke into consciousness. Listening to the sounds of the forest, I breathed in the country air and felt relief. I hadn't felt this calm in ages. This was my favorite place – the forests out in the country were always so nice looking, but our parents never let us go in there because – wait. Hold on, the forest?

My eyes snapped open and I felt instant fear. Where was I?

I racked my brains, trying to think of the last thing I remembered. It flashed in front of me like a movie - Tim dead, the note, Toby Fisher, Soda…_that was it!_ The last thing I remember before I woke up _here _was being in Soda's arms in some cruddy hotel room we rented. Then…how did I get here? Where the hell was Soda?

_Where the hell was my brother? _

I glanced around, the tree's not looking so comforting and peaceful anymore. I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck standing up straight, and an involuntary shudder ran down my back. I turned slowly around, my veins feeling like ice was running through them, and saw none other than Toby Fisher himself.

"Hey kid." He said, grinning his creepy grin. I didn't say anything back, just stayed frozen to the spot.

"H-How did I get here?" I asked him. He looked around, looking somewhat hurt. "What? You don't like it?"

I shook my head no.

"Well kiddo, you better get used to it. You're gonna be here for a very long time."

I suddenly remembered Tim. "What have you done?" I asked shakily.

Toby narrowed his green eyes at me, and I tried very hard not to shake. I hated guys with green eyes. "So, I'm guessing you heard about Tim?"

"_Saw _him actually."

Then Toby started laughing, an evil and maniac laugh. It scared the living shit out of me – I don't think I've ever been so scared.

"Oh this just keeps getting better and better." He laughed again. I stared at him wide-eyed. What keeps getting better?

"How did I get here?" I asked him again. Toby just looked at me, his eyebrows rising mysteriously and a small grin playing on his lips.

"Your brother isn't as careful as he pretends to be."

I had no clue what he was getting at.

"Huh?"

"Your brother." Toby said slowly, as though I were a deaf kid trying to read his lips. "Ya know, Milk or something like that. The one that's a beverage." He said after I just stared at him in confusion. I felt fear rise in my gut. Sodapop! "He went into the bathroom, only to come back and find you gone." He started cracking up, as though this were the funniest thing in the world. He looked at me and then slapped his knee, shaking his head. Then he let out a long "ooooh" and said "Unfortunately he saw me in the closet, started gettin all pissy. Demanding to know where you were and stuff, oh he was good. You shoulda seen his face when I pulled out that heater kid, it woulda made Darry proud." He laughed again, then stopped suddenly, "actually, not to Sodapop. But if he saw me doing _that," _he walked towards me and pushed me on the ground, "to _you," _he annunciated with a sharp kick in the ribs. I let out a loud yell, screaming for Sodapop. "He would just…" he trailed off, "be sooo pleased." He looked down at me and started laughing all over again.

"Oh get up you little wuss."

I stared up at him from my spot on the ground, I wasn't gonna do a word this creep said! He just killed my brother. My Sodapop. He's gone, forever. I shook my head, it didn't really seem like he was gone. I just couldn't wrap my mind around it. Suddenly he let out a yell and kicked me in the stomach.

"L-leave me alone." I gasped, clutching my side. He just shook his head and started to kick me again. "Get off!" I yelled and gave a mighty push. He only stumbled back a little bit before lunging for me, knocking me down on my back.

"SODA! SODA!" I cried, he just laughed. Suddenly a loud booming voice echoed around the clearing, it was so loud that I covered my ears. **"…up!" **

Me and Toby just looked at each other, confused. Then Toby frowned, saying, "we don't have much more time here left." I just stared at him, wondering what the hell he was talking about.

"**Po…got…w…up!" **

I listened closer, that voice sounded so familiar. Suddenly everything around me started fading, Toby was the last to go. I let out a yell as I was plunged into darkness. The voice became louder than ever. **"Ponyboy wake up!" **

I jumped as I felt a hand touch my shoulder. I looked over, expecting to see Toby, but found Sodapop instead.

I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to say. There was only one thing on my mind.

"I'm dreaming." I said as Sodapop looked at me confused. "I'm dreaming. He killed you. You're dead now. He must have knocked me out and now I'm just making this up which means I'm actually having a conversation with nobody right now, even if it is in my dream. You're dead and you aint comin back, then I'm gonna wake up in Toby's car somewhere and-"

"Ponyboy I'm not dead! What the hell are you talking about?" Soda asked, shocked.

It was my turn to be confused. "What the hell are _you _talking about? Of course you're dead! Toby just told me he killed you and he even describe—"

"Ponyboy, it was just a dream." He said. I barely heard him whisper, "one hell of a dream."

He pulled me into a hug. I was still confused. I looked up at him. "So…you're not dead?" Soda shook his head. "And…Toby's not here?"

"No baby, Toby's not here. Wh—in your dream. Do you wanna talk about it?"

I looked at him, still a little confused. "Well, I was in the forest. And you were gone, and then Toby was there, like I said, – he said he kidnapped me and killed you, and -" as I said this I started to realize how stupid I probably sounded before. Of course this wasn't a dream! What did I think I just magically woke up in the woods one day and then the crazy man who I've been trying to avoid just randomly appeared? Gosh I'm so dumb. _Think Ponyboy, Think. Use your head._"-and then he attacked me and…then…well you know the rest." I finished. Sodapop was still looking concerned and he pulled me into another hug.

"You had me scared to death." He sighed, "You kept on screamin and asking for me, but no matter what I did ya wouldn't wake up."

"I'm sorry." I mumbled, snuggling up close to him.

"Don't be sorry. You just gave me a scare is all – you know I've seen people do that. Over _there _I mean." Soda explained.

Translation: You're just as crazy as the people over in Vietnam.

"Whad'ya mean?" I asked.

"I mean – those people, they had nightmare's just like yours. They couldn't remember them when they woke up, just like you. They've seen a lot though – they were normal people before they went into that war. It change's ya. Then I realized…that you've seen just as much as those people. Maybe not every day, and maybe not as bad, but you've seen a lot in your fifteen years. Pony you're too young to have seen all this, 'nd im so sorry that I wasn't there for you when I was over there, but I promise I aint ever gonna leave you again." Soda was crying by the end of his speech, and I was just too shocked to think straight.

"Wull golly Soda you don't gotta cry." I tried comforting him. "You didn't do nothing wrong. You were serving your country. You could'a died for the whole nation – and you could've died for me, and I guess Darry too. You were a hero – you are a hero. It takes a lot of guts to go into the army."

Soda chuckled through his tears, "Pone you know as well as I do that I was drafted."

"Yeah but lotsa people who get drafts either run away before they get there, or if they do make it to the war they ended up dyin. You kept fightin, you kept fightin for me and Darry." I said.

Soda shook his head, "No Pone, only for you. Not for Darry."

I rolled my eyes, "No, I mean before you found out about Darry hittin me and all that – back when we were a family."

Soda was smiling at me now, "No Pone. Even then it was only you. Whenever I killed someone, or almost got killed, your face flashed into my mind, and that kept me going. _Your_ face, not Darry's. Or Steve's. Or Sandy's. It was yours."

I didn't know what to say to that. I felt – touched? It was an amazing feeling, I hadn't known that my brother cared for me that much.

"Really?" I asked.

He nodded, and hugged me closer. "Really." He said. I yawned.

"Gosh Sode, what time is it?" Soda glanced over at the wall, then replied quickly, "It's five thirty. It's okay, go back to bed kiddo."

"I don't wanna." I protested, but I was feelin mighty sleepy.

Sodapop didn't fall for it. "Yes you do Pone, and even if ya don't - I want to." With that he rolled on the mattress. I looked at him and sighed, then fell back onto the mattress.

In a matter of seconds I heard a loud obnoxious snoring coming next to me and I couldn't help but to grin as I slapped Sodapop's arm. He turned over with the goofiest smile on his face.

"'Ey! I was tryin to sleep there! I'm tired!" he joked.

"Yeah, you aint a'woofin'."

"Yeah, you aint cheerin up none. Now get ta sleep baby."

He didn't need to finish his sentence though cause I was already drifting.

…

"Wakey wakey! Um, I forget the rest, was it smells like bakey or something?" I yawned as Sodapop charged into the room, putting a bowl down on the small nightstand. Milk splashed everywhere, but most of it got on me. I shook it off me in disgust, watching the white tear drops fly off me.

"Glory Sodapop!" I said, exasperated. "Watch where you're puttin that thing. What is it anyway?"

"It's cheerio's." he said proudly. I looked into the bowl and tried really hard not to laugh.

"Why's it blue?" I asked.

Sodapop winked. "Can't be givin out my secret recipe." He said.

"I didn't know they kept food-dye in hotel rooms."

"Howd'ja kn– Ponyboy Curtis have you been looking through my recipe book!" Soda stuck out his bottom lip, giving the perfect pouty-face.

"No, I'm just used to your cookin by now." I joked. "But seriously, howd'ja get it?"

"I bought it." Sodapop exclaimed.

"Whad'ja buy it with?"

"My good looks." Sodapop explained, very serious. We looked at each other for a minute before cracking up.

"Golly Pone, whad'ja think I bought it with? I used money smarty."

"Yeah figured it was somethin like that – but what money? I thought we didn't have any."

"Pone when I said I didn't have money for a house, I meant I didn't have money for a _house_. I do have some extra change though." I watched as Sodapop pulled a five out of his pocket, waved it in front of my face, before putting it back in.

"Wull you should'a said so."

"I did!" Soda said, looking around the room. His gaze rested on our bed.

"How you stand sittin in that thing? My back is literally screamin at me – I aint never gonna sleep in _that _bed again."

"I dunno, just tired enough to I guess. Hey Soda,"

"Hmm?"

"Where we goin next?"

Sodapop looked at me closely. "I dunno Pone, but we'll find out when we get there."

"Isn't that dangerous?" I asked.

"Isn't what dangerous?"

"Ya know, plunging into the water without testin it first? Uh – like just goin somewhere before we know about it 'nd stuff?"

"Well it aint gonna be dangerous for us." Soda sighed, sitting on the edge of the bed. He winced.

"Ouch! Look, I'm barely touchin the thing and my back is already achin!" he laughed, and I joined in.

"We gonna be okay?" I asked in between bites of my blue cheerios.

Sodapop was staring at the floor, ignoring my munching. "Yeah hun, we're gonna be okay."

…

**Okay – so what did ya think? This is the first chapter of the plotline. Yayy, hope I didn't screw it up too bad. **


	9. Reflection of a ghost

**Disclaimer – I do not own the Outsiders. Even though I really wish I did, I don't. **

**Thanks for the reviews and hope you enjoy!**

**(The dream Ponyboy has in this chapter is the same dream I had, only it was me instead of Ponyboy. I figured it fit the story.) **

…

I sat staring at my mashed potatoes (which were pink by the way) thinking about everything that had happened to me while Sodapop was gone. I was so lost in thought I didn't hear Soda yelling.

"Pony!" his voice brought me out of my daydreaming (more like day-time nightmares) and I jumped and looked around, scared out of my wits. I only calmed down when I saw that we were, in fact, alone in the hotel room. No one else was there, but curiosity got the better of me and I looked up at Soda, confused. Why and what had he been screaming?

He was staring at me, looking like he had seen a ghost. His face was pale and his eyes were the size of dinner plates.

"What's wrong! What is it?" I demanded, feeling irritated.

"I've been calling you for the past five minutes! Are you okay?"

My annoyance rapidly turned into anger as Sodapop asked me these last words. I was so sick of people asking me that question! Can't they see for themselves that I'm not okay? Why do they have to make me say it when they already know the answer.

"Just leave me alone!" I snapped, getting up and walking away from the small table. Soda was right behind me.

"Ponyboy what's wrong?"

"Get away from me Sodapop!"

"Not until you answer my question."

Damn he was stubborn! I whipped around and glared at him, he seemed surprised by my reaction.

"You want to know what's wrong?" I hissed. He faintly nodded his head.

"My life is so messed up Soda! Look at me! I'm a wreck! A broken record!"

Soda was shaking his head, his mouth slightly open. "Pony, no baby you—"

"Sodapop stop trying to make me feel better! I'm nothing! I'm worthless!" As I said this I knew that it was true. Darry was right – had been right all along.

Soda grabbed me by the shoulders. "How could you say something like that!" he asked, shaking me slightly. He looked like he was about to cry.

I just glared at him. "You know why I'd say something like that! Because it's true! I don't deserve to be here! I should be back with Darry right now! I don't want to be here! I just want to be left alone! I just want to run away – I want to die Sodapop – DIE! I don't want to live with this. Every time someone opens a door or – or surprises me I keep on thinking its Darry! But now I have one more reason to be scared – there's a murderer after me Soda! He's going to kill me, but not like I want to die. I just want it to be peaceful, but he's gonna torture me first Soda! I can't do it – I can't!" Tears were pouring down my cheeks right now, and Sodapop was shaking me a little too hard.

"Ponyboy calm down! I won't ever let any of that stuff happen to you!"

"You're too late." I whispered, and immediately his grip on me fell. I took this as the opportunity to run into the bedroom, slamming the door behind me. I curled up on the bed, wrapping the covers around me and pretending it was Sodapop's arm, and fell into a fitful sleep.

…

_I looked around, I was sitting in my bed at my house, but I wasn't scared. Light was flooding into the bedroom, making everything illuminate as though it were handmade by God himself. _

_A boy was sitting next to me, he looked strangely familiar. He looked at me and smiled – I gasped in shock. It was me, but I looked…different. My hair was still brown with a little bit of red, and my eyes were still the same color – but there was something different. This boy's face was cold with all the hatred in the world, there was barely any light in his eyes, and they reminded me so much of Dally's I almost shivered. I always said I wanted grey eyes, but now it was just plain scary. They looked empty without their usual lively green. My smile was bitter, like I had just swallowed something fowl. I gulped, and he smiled even wider. _

"_W-who are you?" I asked, but I already knew who he was. He smiled at me and I flinched away, I didn't like that smile. I didn't like it one bit. _

"_You know who I am." He answered in a voice so unlike mine I could only stare in shock. How could this – this thing be me? _

"_You can see now. Your eyes are open." He went on, looking past me. I just continued to stare at him. I knew that this was what Soda saw whenever he looked at me now. _

"_How did I get here?" _

"_You brought yourself here. This is your dream, you can go wherever you want." _

"_I want to get out of here." _

_He studied me from the corner of his eye, that horrible smirk still on his face. "No, you don't." _

"_Yes I—" _

"_If you really wanted to get out of here, you would already be far away in another dream. Or awake. Most likely the latter." _

"_Then why am I still here?" _

_He didn't answer, just got up and walked away. I was about to follow him when I stopped in my tracks. In front of me stood a woman, but it wasn't any woman. It was a grotesque sight - her skin was completely blue and scaly, and her eyes were a horrible yellow color. She had black diamonds on each of her scales, and black hair. _

_She looked like a demon escaped out of hell. _

_I stared at her, blinking rapidly. She didn't disappear, and she didn't move. I glanced up at the ceiling, It seemed a million miles away. I looked around me. My room was bigger – stretched out. I glanced back at the woman and she was lying on a cot, her eyes closed. I felt strangely protective of her, and I don't know why. _

_I moved forward so I was standing right over her. She blinked open her eyes at me and smiled, her teeth were like a lynx's. _

"_You know what she is right?" The other me asked. _

"_Yes." I said, my voice surprisingly strong._

"_She's a monster." _

_I smiled and started to stroke her arm, as though she were a cute puppy that I was patting on the head._

"_I know." I whispered, she laid her head back down and let out something between a purr and a sigh._

…

My eyes flashed open and I blinked rapidly, trying to decipher where I was. I didn't see the other me anywhere's, and I didn't see that she-monster that I had been so protective of. I sat up in bed, my heart thumping. I hadn't been scared in my dream when I saw the monster, but now that I think back all I could remember was paranoia at her appearance.

"Pony?" Soda asked, walking in the room. He looked at me and winced – so I had been right. That alter-ego me was what Soda saw whenever he looked at me.

I shot up out of the bed and ran to the bathroom, ignoring Sodapop's cries of protest. I slammed the door behind me and locked it, then looked in the mirror.

I gasped.

Staring me in the face was the boy from my dream.

"No…oh no…" I whispered. The boy – my reflection - simply looked at me, hardened eyes showing a flicker of fear at what he saw.

I sagged against the opposite wall, still looking at my reflection.

What had I become?

**Okay – So I did some research and many abused children act like this. Ponyboy's going to be having some major mood swings from now on. Yeah and I know I have weird dreams, but I can't help it! Besides that dream scared the hell out of me so I just had to let it off my chest somehow. **

**I blame my nightmare on my favorite song: Monster by Skillet. Whenever I hear that song I think of Darry abusing Ponyboy like in this story, but now I know that I'm going to be thinking of my nightmare, so I just have to let it out before **_**I **_**start living in paranoia. Lol! You should look it up on Youtube or something if you've never heard of it before. It's a pretty good song, rockers will like it lol. **

**Please review and tell me what you thought!**


	10. Schools out forever! Finally

**Disclaimer – I do not own the Outsiders. Sadly. **

**I didn't get too many reviews last chapter : ( . But hopefully I'll get more this chapter! Did I do something wrong in the last chapter? If so, tell me. I wanna know so I can fix it. **

**Don't you just hate it when you check your story traffic and there's like, 500 hits in one day but there's only about 6 reviews in one chapter? Not complaining, but it's pretty funny. Anyways, LOVE ALL OF YOU EVEN IF YOU DON'T REVIEW! : D (But I would prefer if you did) **

…

I didn't open the door, Soda knocked it down.

He about sagged with relief when he saw that I was still in one piece. "Jesus Pone…" he walked towards me and wrapped his arms around me. I didn't move.

"I thought you had – when you ran off like that I thought…" he trailed off, but I knew what he was going to say. _I thought you were going to try to kill yourself. _Soda's not stupid, he heard my speech earlier. He knows how much I want to die right now.

"Don't worry Soda." I said, trying to put on a fake smile. He saw right through it. "I'll be fine."

He didn't say anything else, just cradled me in his arms. The only thing I could think was, _he doesn't deserve this. What have I done? _

…

"…_breaking news." _I heard from my spot on the kitchen. I sighed, Soda had left the TV on. I walked into the "living room" (more like a powder room but whatever) and about choked with surprise. Tim Shepard's face was on the TV - I had seen that picture before. It was the only one he actually smiled in.

I barely heard what the anchor was saying, only small things stuck out to me, such as: _"Timothy Shepard." "Dead before 26." "Murdered." "Note found on body…" "Who sent the note?" "We need to find the brother's before it's too late." "Any information call the number found below or send us a letter." _Then another man's face flashed on the TV, I couldn't place it, but I knew I had seen this man before. _"Terrance Grey." "Dead on his 23__rd__ birthday." "Murdered." "Are these death's connected?" _Yes. Yes they were. I knew it was Toby, I just knew it. Just like I knew that Terrance Grey had found out about what was going on at my house – which apparently led to his ultimate death.

I guess Soda had walked in, because a second later the TV shut off on its own. I sat there, frozen, as Sodapop walked towards me.

"Pone…" his voice was low, and he sounded scared. I just stared ahead of me, my mind blank.

"Pony…come on, let's get to bed." I allowed him to steer my towards our room, all the while wondering what on earth I was doing. I didn't even know where I was, I felt like the whole world had frozen. I saw Tim's dead body, I saw the note – but somehow it being announced on TV made it real.

I don't like real.

"Lay down Pone." Soda said. For the first time I wondered why we were in the bedroom. It was only 1 pm.

"Soda…" I didn't know what to say, I didn't even know what to think.

"It's okay Ponyboy, just hold on okay? We'll be fine. I won't let anything happen to you. You'll be okay." But I barely heard him, nothing seemed real anymore. It was like everything had frozen around me. Tim dead, Terrance dead. I swallowed, and a picture of a body with blood on it flashed through my mind. _Me dead? Soda dead? _

I shook my head, I had to get rid of these thoughts – before they ate me alive.

"You'll be okay Ponyboy, I won't let anything bad happen to you ever again. Don't worry."

Don't worry…how could I not?

…

"Why are we here?" I asked, both grumpy and groggy, staring at the "Linkin Hotel".

Soda glanced at me from the corner of his eye. "Cause we gotta keep moving." Wow. Straight to the point. Good job Soda, you're actually telling me the truth _for once. _I instantly felt bad – Soda was trying his hardest.

I sat up from my spot in the car and rubbed my eyes, yawning. "How'd I get in here?" I asked.

"I was trying to get you up, but you kept mumbling about how you wanted five more minutes before going to school. I don't know, you was all mixed up. So I just carried you out to the car."

Huh, funny. I didn't remember any of that.

"Oh."

It was silent for a moment, and I shut my eyes. In an instant sleep threatened to claim me until a sudden and sharp pressure on my forehead woke me up. My eyes snapped open and I was startled to see…tan?

I flinched away and automatically the…_hand! That's what it was! _Followed me.

"You feelin okay Pony?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Cause you're runnin a fever!" Soda exclaimed. I pushed his stubborn hand away.

"Quit it Sodapop I'm fine. Really." I added when he looked distrustful.

"Pony…you'd tell me if something was wrong right?" I had the feeling he wasn't talking about my fever anymore.

I groaned, "Soda…I'm fine."

"Obviously you're not Ponyboy!" he said, startling me. His face suddenly softened. "Listen baby, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I just, I'm worried about you, and you're scaring me."

I looked down at the hole in my tennis shoe. "I'm sorry." I said. I didn't want to make Sodapop worry about me, besides, I wasn't worth his trouble anyway.

"Don't be sorry Pony, never be sorry!" Soda pulled me into a hug, and I tensed up. He ignored this.

"Soda, I'm serious! I'm fine!" I almost shouted, trying to wiggle out of his grip. He backed away with pain evident in his eyes.

I was going to say, _I'm sorry, _but remembering his earlier speech, I decided against it. "I – I didn't mean that."

"I know Pony, I know. I'm sorry." He said.

I smiled slightly, "Don't be sorry Soda, never be sorry!"

He laughed and rubbed my hair. "Smart-ass." Then he let out a slight chuckle.

…

"Wow. This is new." Soda said, admiring the view that the hotel had to offer. _This big window must offer a perfect view of the sunrise! _I would have to wake up early to try and catch it. Usually I wake up early anyway, but these past couple days I've been sleeping in.

Jeez, even thinking about sleeping is making me tired. I'm going to have to get some shut-eye soon, even though I've been sleeping nonstop. I don't really get why, but lately I've just been so tired.

It's probably stress. My health teacher said that stress can often lead to excessive sleepiness, or whatever you want to call it. It's just a fancy term for "you're tired as shit". I'm pretty sure the schools wouldn't allow that kind of language.

Speaking of school…

"Uh, Soda?"

"Yeah?"

"Er…what about school?"

"What about it?"

Then he turned to face me with an open mouth, "oops" was written clearly all over his face.

"I'm guessing Darry did send you to school then..?"

"Yeah, he did."

"Oh…" he paused, frowning. "I- Pony maybe you should reconsider -."

"NO!" I cut him off loudly. "No! No Soda we aren't telling anyone! We can say you're homeschooling me if they ask."

"Ponyboy, it would be a lot better. They could get Darry help and—"

"_We _can get Darry help when we're ready for it. Soda, I aint letting them stick me in a boys home. I've gone through enough!" _And I don't feel right ratting Darry out. _I silently added. _What a weird thought…_

"Okay Ponyboy. It just don't feel right."

"Yeah you ain't a woofin."

Soda sank back on a chair while I chose to lay on the bed. It wasn't perfect, but it felt like heaven to me.

"…Pony?"

"Hm?"

"What about the Social Workers?"

"What about them?" I was confused.

"Wull, aren't they gonna get suspicious when they do those 'surprise visit' things and you aint there?"

My mouth opened in a slight 'o' shape. Hm, never thought of that…

"Er…I'm sleeping over my friend's house who lives just outside of Oklahoma?"

"Yeah and how is Darry gonna know that."

_Good point. _"Well maybe he's gonna tell them something like that. Darry aint stupid – and I don't think he'd feel up to confessing anyways."

Soda frowned and didn't say anything else on the matter.

Things would get better.

_Yeah, _I thought sarcastically, _maybe in a thousand years. _

**This chapter was kinda short, but I'm having writers block… Don't get me wrong I have the whole story plotlined in my head, but it's just the small details that get you. Please review and tell me what you think! (Flames are for fires…but I do enjoy some constructive criticism. Okay, well I don't enjoy it. But you know what I mean. It's more welcome than a flame." **


	11. My sunrise is beautiful

**Disclaimer – I do not own the Outsiders. **

**Yay over a hundred reviews! Let's make the 150 mark shall we? XD **

**Oh and can you please check out my other stories (they're one shots). One is called 'How to save a life' and the other is 'Because I'm broken'. **

…

Have you ever had that feeling that you really, really, really need a glass of water but start feeling sick to your stomach after two sips? Well that's what's happening to me now. I've been thirsty all night (well, technically morning now. I woke up at 4:36, it's now 5:58) and I didn't want to wake Sodapop up. So that's what I've been doing since 4:36 this morning. I've gotten up from my spot on the couch, grabbed a glass of water, dumped it out, and repeated the step all over again.

But my throat is so dry and I feel like I'm going to burst if I don't get any water soon! I just know that's going to happen again though, so it's all I could to wait for Sodapop to wake up. He might know what's going on.

I sat down again, my stomach flipping and groaning. I clutched at it and tried to ignore the stomach pains that usually came with the flu.

After about five minutes, a golden beam shone out from the darkened window. _My sunrise! _I realized, jumping up and sitting by the glass window.

It was like taking a leap back into the old times. So many, many times.

"_Mom look at the sunrise!" I exclaimed, pointing a finger towards the golden sky. My mom sat next to me, smiling. Calling me her golden boy. I have no clue what it meant but I liked the sound of it. _

"_It's beautiful Ponyboy." She said, resting her head against my shoulder. The door opened and Darry came out, his football gear in the black bag in his hand. He was a senior in high school then. _

"_Hey Darry, look at the sunrise." _

_He did as I asked and smiled. "It's brighter than it usually is." Darry would know, Darry's always the first to wake up. I knew he secretly liked sunrises, but he would never let anyone in on it. _

_Then Sodapop did a flying leap out of the door, sprawling in front of Darry. Darry rolled his eyes and heaved Soda up by the shoulders. _

"_You aren't doing it right." Darry sighed, shaking his head. But I could see the small smile playing on his lips. _

_He had tried to teach Soda how to do a front-flip cartwheel, (which I mastered. I was so happy that Darry was proud of me for once) but Soda just kept on doing it wrong._

"_You have to lift your torso, pretend you don't have feet. Your feet don't spring you up, your body weight does. Oh, and it would be better if there wasn't a door blocking the way." Darry said, laughing. Soda joined in, and soon we were all having a chuckle. Darry walked to stand behind me, and rested his arms on my shoulders. I was too tired to protest, Darry liked to use me as an armrest because he said I was short. But I'm getting taller! I'm just not there yet! I'm only 12. Soda's going to be fifteen soon. Darry's 18. He's going to go to college, already accepted. We're all proud of him. _

_Soda walked over and sat directly on my lap, I shoved him off, laughing. "You goofball!" I exclaimed. Darry was shaking his head, "you guys are nuts." _

_The door slammed open and dad walked out, sporting his usual lively grin. It was weird, Soda had dad's personality but looked nothing like him, he looked more like mom. And Darry had mom's personality but looked nothing like her, he was a spitting image of dad. I guess I'm just a mix. An in-between. I have no clue where I got my hair from, I think it has to do with the genes mixing and stuff. _

"_What's all the laughing about?" he asked. _

"_Sodapop." Mom supplied. _

"_Of course." Dad went over and ruffled Soda's hair. "Hey!" Soda pulled out a comb (from where, I have no clue, seeing as his pants don't have pockets in them. But that's Soda for you, always surprising) and started fixing his hair. Then Dad kissed mom, slapped Darry's back, and put a hand on my shoulder, ignoring that Darry's whole arm was currently enveloping me. _

_Now we were all watching the sunrise. It was perfect, just us. One big family. Watching the sunrise together. This had to be my most cherished memory. I still preferred sunset's though. _

_It's the only memory that we all watched the sunrise together,_ I realized. _But we saw a few sunsets together._

The sunrise was ending now, and the sun was now high in the sky. I yawned, just as Soda came out of the door. His hair was all over the place, but it looked okay on him. Sodapop was one of the only few greasers who didn't need hairgrease to look tuff. Soda always looked tuff.

Then I noticed the whiteish-pink mark lacing his shoulder, and from my angle I could see it ran down his back.

"Soda!" I exclaimed. He jumped and looked at me, wide-eyed. "What?"

"Your back!"

He frowned, and involuntarily traced his fingers over the scar. Like he knew exactly what I was talking about. "I got it in 'Nam."

"What happened?" I asked, kind of intrigued. Soda never talked about what happened at war.

Soda gave me a bitter smile and said, "you really wanna know? It aint too pretty Ponyboy."

"I can take it." It's true. I could.

He nodded, seeming to agree with me, and sat down on the couch. He motioned for me to do the same. I yawned again and walked over to him, sitting down with a plop. Soda threw his arm over my shoulder and I let my head fall on his chest. The scar looked even brighter from my angle now.

"We were walking, just walking." He said, then his eyes closed, as though he were re-living the experience.

"We came across a village." I listened in silence, feeling Soda's hand tighten on my arm. It kind of hurt, but I didn't really mind it. I've had worse.

"Someone shot at us, and we thought it was coming from the village. So we charged in, and -." He cut off.

"And?" I prompted gently. I could tell he really needed to get this off his chest.

"We killed a few villagers. We thought they had been the ones that were shooting at us. Oh God, it was horrible. There were women and children dead." Tears were leaking out of his eyes, and I suddenly realized what Soda had gone through at war. While I had experienced physical agony at home, Soda was in mental agony because he kept blaming himself for every death. I know that's what would have happened, because that's Soda. He's too caring, he thinks everything is always his fault. Just like he did when I fell off of Darry and cut my arm on the glass table. It wasn't anyone's fault, I just slid off on accident. Soda only thought about how he had thrown the toy truck at Darry's head. He thought it was his fault. But we were just little kids, and even than Soda thought he was blameworthy.

"So, a few of us were up for burying them, but the squad leaders and some of the senior soldiers kept ushering us out, saying their own people would get to them, and that we needed to get the hell out of there before they came.

"But he was used to this stuff, he was 24 and had been in the army since he was 19. He didn't seem to remember that we were all scared, just kids. We never wanted any of this. When you think of war, you think of the people at home praying for their troops. But when _we_ came home from war, it's all over TV about people burning the American flag and protesters.

"So anyway, he left us behind. He didn't do it on purpose, he thought we were right behind him. But Me, Josh, Chris, Michael, and Robert all stayed behind to bury them. Just as we were about to dig the graves more shots rang out, it killed Josh and Chris. Michael got shot in the leg, and me and Robert were surrounded by Vietnamese soldiers.

"They told us to drop our weapons, and we did. Then they told us to get on our knees and put our hands behind our head. I was going to but I was frozen to the spot, because behind the enemy was Michael, he was limping but he had a gun in his hand and was going to shoot them.

"Suddenly I felt a white-hot pain in my back, and I fell down. There was blood everywhere, and I didn't realize it was coming from me. They used some weird knife-thing on me, it hurt like hell. But it wasn't like any knife I had ever seen. It was shaped in an odd way, it was thick enough to brake a bone but thin enough to slide between a pair of ribs. They had cut open my back.

"I think they were going to take us prisoner. But Michael shot them all, and handed me and Robert a gun. So we managed to kill them all and get out of there. I just remember fainting and then waking up at our base. They did all these tests to see how far I could move my arm and stuff, and made me run around. Just to see if my wound was life-threatening I guess.

"When I finally pulled through, they said I was in fit condition to still serve until my time was up. So I tried my hardest after that."

I was silent, but tears were leaking out of my eyes too. Soda let out a half-hearted chuckle and squeezed my arm a little. "Don't cry Ponyboy, I'm here. That's all that matters."

"Yeah, I guess so. I'm so sorry Soda. If I had known – "

"Even if you had known, what were you gonna do about it?"

I was silent.

"Exactly."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop saying sorry."

"Oops, sorry!"

He looked at me, and we both laughed a little.

"You feelin okay?"

"N—yeah."

"No you aint."

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"You're pale." He (once again) slapped his hand to my forehead. I shrugged out of his grip.

"You're burnin up!" he exclaimed, then gave me a once-over. "You aint leavin bed today. Got it?"

"Yeah sure Soda."

"You need anything?"

"A glass of water…"

"Alright, go to bed. I'll get it for you."

…

**Ahhh these chapters are sucking! Sorry people : / **


	12. Hit and Run

**Disclaimer –I do not own the Outsiders. **

**Reviews feed this story. My story is hungry. I think you know what to do =D **

…

"You okay Ponyboy? You look like you're going to be sick."

I opened my mouth to reply, but too late – I felt the puke starting to arise.

It came out in a gush – but the best part of all (is it wrong that I'm not being sarcastic?), was that it went all over the hotel manager. (I'm a horrible person)

Soda apologized again and again, but the man finally kicked us out. I would have laughed, but we had really needed some place to stay – and that place had been cheap.

"Sorry Sodapop." I said.

"Don't worry about it. At least we got one night in." Soda gave me a reassuring smile, but his eyes were deadened. As though he had given up hope a long time ago.

Mental Note: _Don't throw up on people. They don't like it. _

…

The next day we spent sleeping in the car. There weren't any hotels around and frankly, we were starting to run out of money. There also weren't any gas stations around, and that car eats up gas like nothing I've ever seen before. Later that night our car broke down completely.

"We're gonna have to hitchhike." Soda had said calmly, while I was on the verge of a freak-out.

"Hitchhike? It's the middle of nowhere! Soda there's no one coming!"

"Ponyboy it's going to be okay."

"No it aint Soda! Look around you, there's barely even any _trees_ for company!"

"Ponyboy –"

"No! Soda this is insane! We're gonna die out here and – "

Suddenly Soda roared, "PONYBOY! Shuddup and listen to me! We aint gonna die. I didn't come all the way from 'Nam in one piece just to see us both dead, alright? And there's gonna be someone, okay? Trust me, Ponyboy. You've been pretty okay with all of this, but I can't have you break down now. Alright? We need each other, cause we're all we have. So just shut it and I don't wanna hear any more from you."

That surprised me, so I did as he said and kept my mouth shut. Not that I would have opened it again anyways. Sodapop wasn't one to snap at you, it kind of freaked me out. More than being stuck in the middle of nowhere with a broke-down car.

"Just stay here, alright?" Soda said, his tone still a pitch louder than usual. I gave a tight nod, and stared at the dashboard bitterly.

The car door slammed shut as Sodapop got out. I could see him examining the car, bending down in some places and looking higher at others. He stepped away from the car, his face clouded. He was shaking his head and ran a hand anxiously through his hair. He let it rest on his head for a minute, when he let out a big huff and started to walk back over to the car.

"What's wrong?" I asked, as soon as he got in. Soda didn't answer me, he just stared out the windshield.

"Sodapop what's wrong?" I asked, cursing my voice for sounded scared. "Soda tell me!"

"Just – be quiet for a minute." Soda said hurriedly, then started looking around for something.

"What are you looking for?"

"Sh!"

I frowned and slouched back in my seat, staring resentfully at my hands. I knew he didn't mean it, but it still hurt.

Finally Soda let out a victorious yelp and whipped a map out of the backseat. I couldn't help but to look at it.

"Where'd ya get that?" I asked, ignoring his earlier warning.

"I've had this since that night we ran away. I've been keeping track of where we've been going." He was tracing his fingers across a thick, red line. "So that means only – 12 miles until Pentonville." I kicked out my feet, and let them swing freely. I had no clue what he was talking about. And I thought I was supposed to be the smart one – maybe I had the sense knocked outta me by Darry? Or Toby? Just thinking about Toby made me scared. Suddenly realization hit me.

"We – we aint gonna walk are we?"

Sodapop gave me a side-long glance. "_Are we _Sodapop!" I asked again, louder and fearful.

"If I can't fix this than we're gonna have to."

I just gaped at him for a minute, then fixed my composure. I nodded my head, hoping with all my might that he could fix this.

Sodapop got back out of the truck and opened the hood of the car. I just sat back and watched him curiously. I couldn't see well from my spot in the car, but his hands were working furiously and I could tell he was trying to fix something that probably needed a wrench to be dealt with.

Soda let out a yell and jumped back, my heart sped up. "You okay?" I called anxiously.

"Yeah – just burned my hand on something." Soda said, but I could barely hear him because he was sucking a red spot on his hand.

"Okay." I barely mumbled, and slouched back in my seat. About an hour later Sodapop came in with a mingled expression on his face.

"Hope this works." He said, turning the key.

The smooth rumble of a car being started filled the air, and he let out a laugh of victory. I had to join in. I knew my brother could fix this. He could fix everything.

"Little brother – we're on our way!" he exclaimed. I have no clue _where _he was talking about, but I couldn't help but to feel excited.

…

"Soda, are you sure you're going the right way?"

"Yeah of course."

(pause)

"…are you _sure?" _

"M-hm."

(pause)

"I think you should stop and ask for directions."

Soda looked over at me, kind of risky since he was driving. Then he looked back at the road, and then at me again.

"Oh, alright. Awesome idea Ponyboy!" he exclaimed, I have to admit I felt kind of proud. But then Soda had to go and dampen my spirits with, "but who am I going to ask?"

"Oh."

Soda chuckled. "You're an okay kid, Ponyboy."

"Yeah you aint too bad yourself."

"Me? Shucks! I'm flippin amazing."

"Sure Sodapop." I laughed.

We sat in a comfortable silence for a minute, when suddenly there was the vrooming of an engine, loud and annoying. Sodapop cringed and looked in the rear- view mirror. "Who's this guy?" he wondered out loud in a low voice.

The vrooming noise came again, and with it came a big jerk of our car. I would have flown out the windshield if Sodapop's arm hadn't slapped in front of me at the last minute.

"Ponyboy, get your seatbelt on!" Soda demanded, and I hurried to do it. I had almost gotten the latch in when the truck behind us hit us again. It wasn't like car-accident hits, but it was almost like they were trying to bump us up. My body went forward and I hit my head on the dashboard. Fuzzy lights blinked in front of me until I finally got my sense back.

"Hey asshole!" Sodapop screamed, looking out the rear-view and then to me while I frantically latched my seatbelt. It pulled painfully tight across my chest.

The vehicle hit us again, and we suddenly swerved as Sodapop turned our car to the other side of the road. The red truck simply hit us again, and I couldn't help but to think that this truck looked really familiar. I was clutching my seatbelt for dear life.

Suddenly our car stopped completely.

"Oh son of a-" Soda never got to finish that thought, because the truck slammed into us head on. I let out a yell as our car skidded on the road, and cringed when I heard the truck rev up once more. My breathing was labored, and when I looked over at Sodapop he was out cold.

"Soda?" I all but crawled towards him. I tried shaking him, but his limp and bloodied head just dolled the other way. His mouth was slightly open, and a thin line of blood could be seen staining his teeth. Oh no, oh no, Soda wake up!

"Sodapop!" I yelled, pushing him back and forth. He still didn't stir. The car revved again and I fumbled with my seatbelt. "Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit." I exclaimed, not even caring that my voice was unnaturally high-pitched.

_I gotta get out of here! _I tried yanking the seatbelt off me, seeing as the button wasn't working. Then I remembered something.

_Sodapop's switchblade!_

I once again crawled towards Soda but this time to grab the dagger hidden in his back pocket.

It came out with a steady _siilllll _noise, kind of like a sword being drawn, and I started sawing on my seatbelt with it. "Come on, come on!" I begged when I heard the truck rev up again. It was almost like it was waiting for something. From the corner of my eye I could see it rushing towards us suddenly, and my seatbelt came off with a snap. I threw myself out of the car door when I heard the crash. It was like a firework had just been lit next to my ear. I looked over my shoulder, our car was flipped upside down with the metal crumpled in several places. The whole back of the car was steaming.

"SODA!" I screamed.

_Soda, oh no, not Soda! Not like this. _

"SODA!" I yelled again, as loud as I could. Still no answer.

_Not like this. Not like mom and dad. _

Completely forgetting about the truck that did this, I started to get up to limp towards our car. I didn't see the truck, but I felt and heard the steady _smack _it gave me.

One minute, I was running on dirt - and the next, I was running on air. _Air._ I felt unnaturally hollow and dense, like I didn't belong. The world was spinning around me way too fast and out of control, almost like being on an upside-down rollercoaster. My breath caught in my throat as I hit the ground with a big, heavy thump. I could have sworn I heard something crack.

There was this weird sound, kind of like when you listen to music too loud and you can't hear anything afterwards. But it was about ten times worse, and my head hurt something awful. I fluttered open my eyes for a moment, trying to look around, but all I could see were the droplets of glass that were stuck in my eyelashes.

I didn't even have the strength to brush them away, let alone lift up my hand to do it. I hadn't even the strength to groan - I couldn't do anything. I was just limp.

Panic struck me, and I wondered if I was paralyzed. I didn't feel anything. I couldn't DO anything!

_Ohgod!OhGodOhGodOhGodOhGod, oh god, oh god, oh, god, oh, god…oh…go—_

Then everything went black.

**Wow this chapter had a lot of action. Don't blame me, I don't even know what I'm writing half the time ! :D Hope you enjoyed! **


	13. Found but broken

**Disclaimer – I do not own the Outsiders.**

**Please enjoy and review!**

…

I blinked open my eyes and sat up, taking in a huge gulp of air. People were yelling and running all around me, most of them near me and Soda's flipped over car. It felt like I had just woken up from a really long nap with a hangover. I felt groggy and sick to my stomach all at the same time, like I was going to explode or something. At that point, I was wishing I was.

Mental Note: _try not to get hit by cars._

I tried to move around, but could only succeed in making a groan.

"Easy now." A soft voice spoke from next to me. I turned, startled, staring at a man with blonde hair and eyes as black as Johnny's. He had a soft but sad smile on his face, he looked real nice.

"W-What happened?"

"You don't remember?"

I shook my head wordlessly, instantly wishing I hadn't when the throbbing started.

"You're a victim of a hit 'n run accident."

I closed my eyes briefly, trying to get the images to come back to me. I remembered everything, but couldn't get the feeling away that something was missing.

Then I realized, "Soda. Where's Sodapop?"

The guy's face changed until he was wearing…well…_that _expression. The same expression I get when I tell people my name for the first time.

"You thirsty?"

_Oh boy, here we go. _"No. No, that guy I was with."

The man's face turned into pity, "His name is Sodapop?" he asked in a low voice.

"Yeah, mine's Ponyboy Curtis."

"Gerald Hanker." I would have shook his hand, but mine was bleeding so bad I thought the better of it. I didn't want to ruin this guys shirt.

"Listen, kid. We called the ambulance but…"

"Is he going to be okay?"

He bit his lip and looked at me, "He looked pretty bad, son." He put an arm on my shoulder lightly. "Worse than you."

"But I'm okay!"

"Kid your head is bleeding along with the whole rest of your body."

My right arm sure was hurting. It kept giving twitches of pain. I winced and pulled it closer to me.

"Is he…he's not dead right?"

"No, but he ain't looking good at all. I'm sorry kid."

"Can I see him?"

He looked at me like I was stupid.

"Can I see him?" I repeated again.

The look he gave me told me all I needed to know. "Please! He's my brother."

"Kid, you aren't going anywhere."

"Why not!" I demanded.

"Look at your legs."

I looked down and gasped out loud, there was a big chunk of metal holding them in place. I wondered how I hadn't felt that.

My heart sped up and I started hyperventilating, the guy gave my shoulder an encouraging squeeze, but he couldn't calm me. Oh glory! I remembered how I had felt paralyzed…was I?

The sudden blaring of sirens sounded and I cringed, Gerald whispered words of encouragement to me, but I was barely listening.

The hospital – they were going to take me to the hospital, I realized.

"I – I can't go to the hospital!" I almost shrieked at the guy.

"It's okay, relax. I'm going to be in the ambulance with you, okay? You don't have to worry about anything."

_Yes I do! Yes I do! _I wanted to scream at him, choke him, anything just to get it through his head.

I glanced away from him as the sirens got louder and two ambulances whipped around the corner, followed by at least four police cars.

Gerald looked at me, but I ignored him. Men whipped out of the ambulance and three of them rushed towards me. The rest raced over to our car as though they were running away from a bomb and seeking refuge.

They told me to lay down, and I did. I hadn't felt the metal on me up until now (I hate to admit I was kind of relieved), and screamed out loud as they ripped it off slowly. By the end of it I was gasping and near passing out. I felt weaker than I ever had before.

I felt a board slip under me and then I was lifted onto a stretcher. I managed to catch a glimpse of Sodapop, even with them wheeling me about 160 miles per hour.

I hadn't believed Gerald when he said that Sodapop had been worse off than me.

But it was true.

At first I thought they were wheeling a guy with bright red hair into the ambulance, but then I saw a couple streaks of blonde. And his face - blood was falling into his eyes and he had a big, dark bloody spot on his head that looked like the skin had been ripped off.

His shirt was soaked through with blood, and by his lack of movement, he was either dead or unconscious. I really, really hoped it was the latter.

"Soda!" I moaned. "No!"

I think the paramedics thought I was going off my rocker or something, because they rushed even faster and pushed me into the ambulance a little too quick.

_They're taking me to the hospital! _And that was the last thought I heard before I passed out again.

**Errrr, don't kill me. This chapter is kind of short. **

**Don't worry – it'll get better! We're getting kind of close to the climax now. Sort of. **

**So is Soda okay? Will Sodapop die? What about Ponyboy? Is he okay? Who's this Gerald guy? Is he a friend or an enemy? (That sounds corny lol) **

**Review and tell me what you think! Remember, reviews keep me motivated to update!**


	14. False identity

**Disclaimer – I do not own the Outsiders. I don't think I'm as good as a writer as SE Hinton, so if I DID own it, there wouldn't be a forum for it cause it would have sucked lol. **

…

I knew that it would begin with the end, and that the end had been my death. I had known it all along.

I was dead.

The thought that ran through my mind was odd, but it made sense. With everything that had happened to me, I couldn't tell if this was a relief or not. It _should _be a relief, but at the same time, I can't help wondering if I really want to be dead. I knew I used to want to be dead, I told Sodapop I wanted to be dead, I had believed it then.

But, now, I'm starting to rethink what I said before: Do I really want to die?

Well, it doesn't matter anyways, because I'm already dead. It's just…I at least wanted a say in my death. I guess it's too late for that though.

Wait – what was I thinking?

I'm not dead.

I can't be dead…right?

No, I'm not dead. I can feel it…this…pull. It's trying to pull me out of the darkness, thankfully. I'm not dead, and hopefully won't be any time soon. Will the same be said for Sodapop though?

I felt the sedation wearing off and lucidity taking its place. I braced myself, knowing what was coming.

My body and mind tried to shield me from this memory, the last memory I had, but I hadn't imagined it anything like this.

It seared with sharp color and ringing sound. My skin was ice-cold, and pain nibbled at my limbs, burning them without fire. There was this metallic taste in my mouth, running through my teeth and clinging to my throat. The strongest part of this memory though – was fear.

Fear was all around me, clinging to me as a jacket would – had I been wearing one. I couldn't run, I couldn't flee, and I couldn't escape the fear I felt.

This memory was so frighteningly strong and clear that it sliced through my control – overwhelmed the detachment, made me relive everything I had experienced in the past 24 hours. I was sucked into the hell that had burned through me since I was 15, only this time, it was all bundled into just one moment.

_It's so dark. I can't see the ground. I can't see the truck pulling next to me. I run blind and try to reach me and Soda's car before somebody else does, but the pulse is so loud behind my ears it drowns everything else out. _

_It's cold. It shouldn't matter now, but it hurts. I'm so cold._

I tried to take a deep breath, but nothing happened. I was trapped in my memory, and I could still remember every detail. It seems clearer to me now then it did at the time. I was almost out of it, and then I was dragged in again. My eyes filled with horrified tears – this couldn't have been me. Could it?

_I'm lost. It's over. _

_It's right next to me now, loud and close. The revving of the engine all but shatters my eardrums. I've failed. I know it's over. _

_I can see the flashing of the lights, but my eyes are still on the crippled car in front of me._

_That truck…so familiar._

Heat shot through my veins, and a violent hatred nearly choked me.

Never before had I felt this much hatred, even when Sodapop was drafted, even when Darry had started hitting me. Over and over. For a second, my revulsion pulled me away from the memory. A loud, shrill keening pierced my ears and pulsed in my head. The sound scraped through my airways. There was a weak pain in my throat.

Then I realized - it was me. And I was screaming. That was a good sign right? It meant I was still alive. But…it wasn't exactly the best sign.

As soon as I realized I was the cause of the sound, I froze in shock, and the sound broke off abruptly.

Then the memory, being stronger than my will, sucked me back in.

_All I can think about is my brother, and the car, and everything else that had happened._

_There was thick bile in my throat again, just like the last time I was sick. I couldn't find the will to let it out though – my body wouldn't allow it. _

_The car in front of me, the truck beside me - all seeming to go in slow motion. I tried to will my legs to run just a little faster – I tried to get the adrenaline pumping through my veins like I had done whenever I raced in a track meet – but I felt like I was in slow motion. Like everything else around me, I was going slug speed. My car seemed a million miles away, and the screeching next to me told me that the truck wasn't going to give me much time to get there. _

_No, no, no!_ I fought to pull myself away from the memory, but it latched on. I didn't want to think about it, but I was sprinting right towards my almost-death. Possibly Soda's.

_I feel like laughing when I realize, I'm not fast enough. _

_All my life I've been fast enough, but this one time – just this once – I wasn't fast enough. I imagined my brother, what his body might be like in the car. Was he dead? Alive? Was I going to die? _

_I don't have time to pause and double-back. _

_It's too late._

_Too late!_

_I can't even describe the pain I felt, but it was everywhere. Consuming me, crawling in every inch of my skin. At that point – pain wasn't pain._

_It was everything. _

_Pain isn't enough of a word to describe what I felt then. It felt like my skin itself was shattering. Glass flew towards my eyes, I have no clue from where. I could hear it, see it, hell – I could _smell _it. I closed my eyes for just a second, trying to block the glass from piercing into them. Luckily my eyelashes did the job, and screened them away from my eyes. Creating a kind of barrier. _

_The emptiness swallows me. My legs flail, useless. My hands grip the air, clawing through it, searching for anything solid. The air spins past me like tornado winds. I could feel my body turning, too rapidly. It felt like it was splitting in half. _

_I heard the thud before I felt it…the wind was gone…_

_And then pain is everywhere…pain is everything._

_Make it stop. _

_When will the pain end? When…?_

The blackness swallowed up the agony, and I was weak with gratitude that the memory had finally ended. The blackness took all, and I was free. I took a breath to steady myself, and if I could shake in my state, I would.

But then the color rushed back, the memory reared up and engulfed me again.

_No! _I panicked, fearing the cold and the pain and the very fear itself.

But this was not the same memory. This was a memory within a memory, yet somehow, even stronger than the first.

The blackness took all but this: a face.

This face I would have known among millions.

This face was diamond-shaped, the shape of the bones strong under the skin. In color it was a light golden brown - a tanned face. The hair was shades lighter than the skin, completely flaxen except where deeper, richer shades darkened it. It was long in the front and sides, and squared off in the back. The circular irises in the white eyeballs were darker than the hair but flecked with light. This was the face of pure beauty, handsome and full of light.

This face was Sodapop Curtis, before he went to war. Before Darry started hitting me. This was how I remembered Sodapop Curtis, the Greek god come to earth, the movie-star. This was the Sodapop I would remember, dead or alive. This was the person that meant the most to me. The person that I loved more than anything. This was the person who kept me going, and I'm guessing that this was the same thing he saw, only _my_ face, that kept him going in the war.

I would do anything for Sodapop, and that included living to see him.

…

The voices were soft and close, though I was only now aware of them, apparently in the middle of a murmured conversation.

"I'm afraid he won't make it," one said. The voice was soft but deep, male. "Many in his state would never make it. Such violence!" the tone spoke of revulsion.

"He screamed," said a higher, reedy, female voice. She sounded concerned.

"I know," the man agreed, "I heard him as well as everyone else in this hospital, probably."

"I'm sure he'll be fine, just as I told you." The female still sounded concerned though.

"Maybe you took the wrong job," the male murmured in a sarcastic voice. "Perhaps you were meant to be a doctor, like me."

The woman let out a soft laugh, "I doubt that. We cops prefer a different sort of diagnosis."

"Violence is a part of your life choice. Have you seen so much that you can't even care for the people who are affected by it?"

I was surprised at his accusation, at his tone. The discussion was almost like…an argument. Not a heated one, but still an argument.

The woman sounded slightly shocked, but defensive. "We do not choose violence. We face it when we must. And it's a good thing I was facing it when I found this boy and the other one." Other one? Did she mean Soda?

"Violence has many consequences."

"One of which is lying on that bed there."

"If you had gotten there sooner, he wouldn't be on that bed there!"

The woman breathed out heavily. A sigh. "We would have gotten there sooner, but we were…backtracked…"

"That's your problem, not mine," the man said. "My job is to help the people that you forgot to save. And you are here to interfere with my job."

Still slowly surfacing, acclimating myself to my senses, I understood now that I was the subject of this conversation.

"I need to ask the boy some questions."

"He needs rest."

"We need to find out _why _he needs rest."

"He was hit by a car!" the man said.

"Obviously, but why? Was it just random? By the looks of those bruises on his skin, I'd say they were there before the incident." The woman sounded impatient.

I felt the blood pulse through my neck, pounding behind my ears. My hands clenched into fists. This was what I didn't want to happen, now they would know.

The machines beside me reported the acceleration of my heartbeats. There was a reaction in the room: the sharp tap of the cop's shoes approached me, mingled with a quieter shuffle that must have been the doctors.

"Welcome to the land of the living." The cop said.

"He was never dead." Mumbled the doctor.

A new sensation distracted me. Something pleasant, a change in the air as the cop stood next to me. A scent, I realized. It felt oddly out of place in the odorless room. Perfume. Floral, lush…

"Can you hear me?" the cop asked, interrupting my analysis. "Are you awake?"

"Take your time." The doctor urged in a softer voice than the one he had used before.

I did not open my eyes right away. I still didn't feel the need to move.

"I'm awake." I answered in a coarse voice.

"Good, good, can you open your eyes?" the doctor asked.

I decided to answer him by doing what he said.

Light. Bright, painful. I closed my eyes again. After regaining the darkness, I opened them narrowly, keeping my eyelashes feathered over the breach.

"Would you like me to turn down the lights?"

I thought about it. "No doc, my eyes will adjust I guess."

Both waited patiently while my eyes slowly widened. My mind recognized this as an average room in a hospital. _Of course, _I internally groaned.

The ceiling tiles were darker with speckles. The lights were rectangular and about the same size as the tile. The walls were a light green – a calming color, but also the color of sickness. A poor choice, I thought, but better than white. Or red.

The people were more interesting then the room though. The doctor was wearing loose-fitting blue green clothes that left his arms bare. Scrubs. He had hair on his face – the same rust color as Two-Bit's. He looked kind enough.

An impatient breath turned my attention towards the cop.

She was very small. If she had remained still, it would have taken me longer to notice her beside the doctor. She didn't draw the eye, a darkness in the bright room. She wore black from chin to wrists – a conservative suit with a silk turtleneck underneath. Her hair was black, too. It was long, I could tell, but up in a high ponytail, letting the ends hang over her left shoulder to stop at her lower breast. She was extremely pale, and the word _vampire _came to mind. I shivered.

"Can you tell me the last thing you remember?" the doctor asked, coming to stand next to me. I stared at him, of course I could, but that doesn't mean I want to repeat it out loud. I noticed the cop lean forward, her face eager.

"I – I was on the pavement…I couldn't…I couldn't feel anything."

The doctor frowned, and moved towards the end of the bed. He lifted the sheets up slightly, and told me to wiggle my toes.

I did.

He looked back up at me, "they seem to be in working order." He announced.

I didn't say anything, just looked blankly at him. "I know, when they found me, my legs were under this metal hunk thing. I felt it when they lifted it off of me, but I didn't feel it before that. Is that normal?"

The doctor nodded his head, "Completely. It can be caused by numerous things – shock, adrenaline, no nerve-endings (which, obviously you have), you name it."

"Oh."

The cop, apparently deciding it was time to make her move, put a hand on the bed.

"Son," she started, but I interrupted her. "My name's Ponyboy." She looked way too young to be calling me 'son'.

Her dark eyebrows rose considerably, but she said, "Ponyboy, would you happen to know what the car that hit you looked like?"

"It was a truck," I sighed, "a red truck. It looked real familiar."

"Did it have any distinguishing features? Something that you wouldn't see on any normal truck?"

I tried to think back, "There was a long scratch on it, real deep. Right on the front of it."

"Was that before or after it hit you?"

I glared at her, for some reason, that comment stung. "Before. Now where's my brother?"

She ignored me, but continued on. "You mentioned that this truck looked familiar – do you know where you might have seen it?"

"No, I only know it looked familiar. Now where's my brother?" I demanded as the cop took a step back, sighing. It was hard to believe this was the same girl that had sounded concerned. The doctor took her place.

"Ponyboy, how are you feeling right now?"

I looked at him like he was stupid, "I just got hit by a truck Doc, how would you feel?"

The corners of his lips raised to a smile, almost like he was counting on me saying that. "I'm Doctor Bryon Stryder. Do you need anything?"

"Yeah – I want information. Where's my brother?"

He sighed, and pinched between his eyebrows before turning back to me. "He's in ICU, he's alive, and doing better than he was before. Can you tell me your names?"

"Ponyboy…" I trailed off. "Ponyboy isn't my real name." I said a little too quickly. The doctor raised his eyebrows.

"Well, I mean…it's a nickname that my friend gave me. Uh, cause of a dare…" I'm a pretty good liar, but I wasn't sure if that would slide with the doctor. "My name is Michael, and my brother's name is —Patrick."

"Do you have a last name?"

"Randle." I said, because it was the first name that came to mind. I could imagine Steve's pissed off face at my using his last name.

"Mhm." He had grabbed a clipboard and was writing on it.

"Is there anything that's bothering you in particular?" he asked me, still looking at his clipboard.

Before I could answer that cop cleared her throat loudly. We all turned to look at her.

"Excuse me Doctor Stryder, but I need to ask this boy some questions – Michael is it? I thought your name was Ponyboy?"

"It's not my real name, like I said, it was a dare. I know a boy named Ponyboy though – heard he got into some trouble a few years ago." I added, just to make it sound more realistic. "My friend dared me to take his name for a whole month, and it kind of stuck I guess."

She nodded and said, "My name is Claire Harkness. Now, did you see the man who hit you?"

"No ma'am." I answered truthfully. "Only the truck."

"Okay, and your brother Patrick wouldn't know anything about it would he?"

"I don't think so ma'am."

"And when you woke up from the crash, who was the man you saw?"

"He had long blonde hair and black eyes, his name was Gerald something-or-other."

She nodded, then left without another word.

"Sorry," the doctor apologized, "I told them not to let her in."

"It's alright." I said, because I couldn't think of anything else to say.

"Now, do you want me to tell you what's wrong with you?"

I nodded.

"You broke your left arm, cracked your skull, broke three ribs, and had a large piece of glass embedded in your stomach – narrowly missing internal organs, you're lucky – and got a large cut on your leg from where the metal struck you. I'm amazed that it didn't do more damage, but from what I heard the whole thing was on top of you, and only that one piece was actually going _into _you. It would kind of be like having more than a few weights put on your legs."

I opened my mouth to speak, but couldn't find the words. If that was all for me….what was wrong with Soda?

"Wha-what about my brother?"

The doctor sighed, "Technically I'm not supposed to tell you this, but it'll be our secret okay?" he winked at me.

"Your brother, Patrick is that correct?" I nodded.

"He has suffered major internal bleeding, cracked skull, concussion, broke four ribs, broke his jaw, and dislocated his shoulder and both legs (we fixed that up first). He is suffering from atelectasis, or partial punctured lung. He also flatlined, right before we got him here – we managed to resuscitate him, and he's doing better then he was before."

Even though he had less than me, they were all worse. "Is he…going to make it?"

"Yes." The doctor said, and I sighed in relief. He was okay, and that's all that mattered.

"Will I get to see him?"

"As soon as you get better." He promised.

"Doctor Stryder?"

"Yes Michael?"

"Thank you." I murmured. He smiled at me, perfect teeth glinting. "You're very welcome."

…

**Me: Well now everyone, aren't you happy? Sodapop is fine!**

**Soda: Go me!**

**Ponyboy: Thank god you didn't give me a concussion.**

**Me: Don't be too sure of that.**

**Toby: I'll give him a concussion.**

**Everyone pulls out a heater and shoots Toby. *YAY!***

**Anyways, please review! **


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